A basic primer on the four main types of attraction.
I recently replied to a post on r/NoStupidQuestions about what “hot” means, from someone who seemed to be grappling with whether or not they were ace. It turned into a bit of an essay, and some people in the replies told me I should post it here.
So I’ve copied the text, removed a few bits that were specific to the discussion at hand, and here it is. (Disclaimer: this is just my understanding. Asexuality is obviously an incredibly broad spectrum, so if there are things I’m missing, I’d love to be educated and informed.)
As an asexual person myself, I’ve had a lot of practice explaining these to people, so I’ll give it my best shot here. These are the four main types of attraction.
1)Aesthetic attraction. “I like looking at you”. This doesn’t just apply to people. You can feel aesthetic attraction to a painting, a well-designed house, a sunset, a cake, anything. Aesthetic attraction is when looking at something (or someone) gives you a nice, pleasant feeling, and you want to look at it (or them) more.
2)Romantic attraction. “I want to be personally intimate with you.” You want to make them happy, share parts of your life with them, tell them about your day and ask them about theirs, learn their favourite song or flower or ice cream flavour so you can get them meaningful gifts, know their deep secrets and share yours with them. Romantic attraction is when you want to be emotionally close to someone in a way that goes beyond friendship.
3)Sensual attraction. “I want to be physically intimate with you.” This doesn’t cover sex - we’ll get to that - but it does cover things like hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, having your arm around someone (or vice versa), sharing a bed, basically any physical closeness or affection that doesn’t involve genitals. Sensual attraction is when you want to feel someone’s body on yours, and express your affection for them in a physical way.
Sensual attraction is the murkiest of the four, and the one most often left out, as some see it as just an intersection of romantic and sexual attraction. It’s not though. It’s its own thing.
4)Sexual attraction. “I’d like to engage in erotic acts with you”. (This one is probably the hardest for me to define, as it’s the one I do not and have never felt, but I’ll try.) This goes beyond arousal, which is a mechanical physical response that has very little to do with your feelings of attraction, causatively speaking. It’s the lustful urge of wanting to see someone naked, or wanting to feel their genitals, or wanting them to feel yours. I’m told it can manifest as a sort of itch, or a feeling like hunger. Sexual attraction is the physical desire for something that goes beyond sensuality.
Think about these four types of attraction. How many have you felt? Do you feel some for certain people, and others for other people?
If you see someone in the street and think “wow, they’re attractive”, what does that mean you want?
• To look at them?
• To get to know them on a deep, personal level? - To kiss them and have their body close to yours?
• To have sex with them?
• Or some combination of the above?
Asexuality is a wide spectrum. It may be worth looking up more specific labels, but be warned, there are a lot of them, it’s easy to get confused.
If you’ve never felt 4, you might well be asexual. This doesn’t mean you’re repulsed by sex, or have never had it - those are categories of asexuality, but they’re not part of the core definition.
If you’ve felt 4, but only after knowing someone for a long time and forming a close emotional bond, you might well be demisexual.
If you’ve never felt 2, you might well be aromantic. Honestly, I’m not aromantic, so I have no idea what that’s like, but there are plenty of communities and creators who could inform you if that’s something that rings true for you.
This is the question that helped me figure out that I was asexual: say you’re with a significant other, and you start feeling physically aroused. What do you do? My answer was “hide it, it’s embarrassing and I
I recently replied to a post on r/NoStupidQuestions about what “hot” means, from someone who seemed to be grappling with whether or not they were ace. It turned into a bit of an essay, and some people in the replies told me I should post it here.
So I’ve copied the text, removed a few bits that were specific to the discussion at hand, and here it is. (Disclaimer: this is just my understanding. Asexuality is obviously an incredibly broad spectrum, so if there are things I’m missing, I’d love to be educated and informed.)
As an asexual person myself, I’ve had a lot of practice explaining these to people, so I’ll give it my best shot here. These are the four main types of attraction.
1)Aesthetic attraction. “I like looking at you”. This doesn’t just apply to people. You can feel aesthetic attraction to a painting, a well-designed house, a sunset, a cake, anything. Aesthetic attraction is when looking at something (or someone) gives you a nice, pleasant feeling, and you want to look at it (or them) more.
2)Romantic attraction. “I want to be personally intimate with you.” You want to make them happy, share parts of your life with them, tell them about your day and ask them about theirs, learn their favourite song or flower or ice cream flavour so you can get them meaningful gifts, know their deep secrets and share yours with them. Romantic attraction is when you want to be emotionally close to someone in a way that goes beyond friendship.
3)Sensual attraction. “I want to be physically intimate with you.” This doesn’t cover sex - we’ll get to that - but it does cover things like hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, having your arm around someone (or vice versa), sharing a bed, basically any physical closeness or affection that doesn’t involve genitals. Sensual attraction is when you want to feel someone’s body on yours, and express your affection for them in a physical way.
Sensual attraction is the murkiest of the four, and the one most often left out, as some see it as just an intersection of romantic and sexual attraction. It’s not though. It’s its own thing.
4)Sexual attraction. “I’d like to engage in erotic acts with you”. (This one is probably the hardest for me to define, as it’s the one I do not and have never felt, but I’ll try.) This goes beyond arousal, which is a mechanical physical response that has very little to do with your feelings of attraction, causatively speaking. It’s the lustful urge of wanting to see someone naked, or wanting to feel their genitals, or wanting them to feel yours. I’m told it can manifest as a sort of itch, or a feeling like hunger. Sexual attraction is the physical desire for something that goes beyond sensuality.
Think about these four types of attraction. How many have you felt? Do you feel some for certain people, and others for other people?
If you see someone in the street and think “wow, they’re attractive”, what does that mean you want?
• To look at them?
• To get to know them on a deep, personal level? - To kiss them and have their body close to yours?
• To have sex with them?
• Or some combination of the above?
Asexuality is a wide spectrum. It may be worth looking up more specific labels, but be warned, there are a lot of them, it’s easy to get confused.
If you’ve never felt 4, you might well be asexual. This doesn’t mean you’re repulsed by sex, or have never had it - those are categories of asexuality, but they’re not part of the core definition.
If you’ve felt 4, but only after knowing someone for a long time and forming a close emotional bond, you might well be demisexual.
If you’ve never felt 2, you might well be aromantic. Honestly, I’m not aromantic, so I have no idea what that’s like, but there are plenty of communities and creators who could inform you if that’s something that rings true for you.
This is the question that helped me figure out that I was asexual: say you’re with a significant other, and you start feeling physically aroused. What do you do? My answer was “hide it, it’s embarrassing and I
don’t want her thinking I’m some rabid horndog who only has sex on the brain.”
According to the friend who asked me, that’s a very unusual response, and most people would want to share that feeling with their partner, and maybe see if the partner felt the same way. I don’t know if there’s any real basis to that, but it really helped me clarify how I felt about sex and sexuality, and why I felt that way.
Think about your answer to that, and the other questions I’ve asked, in relation to the four types of attraction. Hopefully that can shed some light, and help you figure out who you are and who you want to be. Whatever you settle on, you’ll always have plenty of support, I guarantee that. Much love.
https://redd.it/1p4posc
@asexualityonreddit
According to the friend who asked me, that’s a very unusual response, and most people would want to share that feeling with their partner, and maybe see if the partner felt the same way. I don’t know if there’s any real basis to that, but it really helped me clarify how I felt about sex and sexuality, and why I felt that way.
Think about your answer to that, and the other questions I’ve asked, in relation to the four types of attraction. Hopefully that can shed some light, and help you figure out who you are and who you want to be. Whatever you settle on, you’ll always have plenty of support, I guarantee that. Much love.
https://redd.it/1p4posc
@asexualityonreddit
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Pridesaur Aro-opter-Ace art done by me, god I love puns...if anyone else has some other cool suggestions for Aroace dinos please feel free to let me know :D
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I'm sex-positive, but want it kept away from me.
I'm in kind of a weird position. I don't believe that sex should be a shameful and dirty thing, and I believe in free sexual expression for all, but I'd prefer if that free sexual expression happened away from me. For example, I have no problem with sex toys being sold in Target, but I don't really want to see people buying them.This just feels like an odd in-between position to have. I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not fully okay with sexuality either.
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I'm in kind of a weird position. I don't believe that sex should be a shameful and dirty thing, and I believe in free sexual expression for all, but I'd prefer if that free sexual expression happened away from me. For example, I have no problem with sex toys being sold in Target, but I don't really want to see people buying them.This just feels like an odd in-between position to have. I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not fully okay with sexuality either.
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Attraction to unobtainable people like celebs
Hey, all! I've been pondering for a long while now whether I might be aro, and I think I am but wanted some other insights.
I've dated several people, and I was even engaged at one point, but my interest seems to be more in physical and sexual contact than anything romantic. Reading a lot of people's descriptions of what romantic attraction feels like, I don't think I've ever experienced anything like that.
I do experience what one might call crushes, but it's pretty much exclusively to people that are unobtainable like celebrities, people who live halfway around the world, fictional characters, and so on. The second one of those people seems like they might be able to come to me and actually meet up/go on a date, my interest evaporates like magic.
A small part (tiny, tiny part) of me wants to have a lifelong relationship, but I genuinely love being on my own. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I've never truly been happy in a relationship either.
Does this sound like I might be aromantic, or might I fall into another category? Any help and advice would be appreciated!
https://redd.it/1p4y8ri
@asexualityonreddit
Hey, all! I've been pondering for a long while now whether I might be aro, and I think I am but wanted some other insights.
I've dated several people, and I was even engaged at one point, but my interest seems to be more in physical and sexual contact than anything romantic. Reading a lot of people's descriptions of what romantic attraction feels like, I don't think I've ever experienced anything like that.
I do experience what one might call crushes, but it's pretty much exclusively to people that are unobtainable like celebrities, people who live halfway around the world, fictional characters, and so on. The second one of those people seems like they might be able to come to me and actually meet up/go on a date, my interest evaporates like magic.
A small part (tiny, tiny part) of me wants to have a lifelong relationship, but I genuinely love being on my own. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I've never truly been happy in a relationship either.
Does this sound like I might be aromantic, or might I fall into another category? Any help and advice would be appreciated!
https://redd.it/1p4y8ri
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not asexual but i dont like sex
hello everybody.
I am neither asexual nor aromantic, and yes I have found myself to be attracted to people and have sexual thoughts. But the thing is... I don't like it at all.
I don't have a problem with people being sexual, not being virgins blabla, nothing shameful, but I just can't see myself doing stuff like that. It feels so unserious and just so human, can't rlly explain it.
So it's like... I'm not asexual but I wish I was. Not saying life would be easier, not saying I would always like it, but it definitely suits my own values and the philosophy I follow. I want to voluntarily stay a virgin my whole life, without being intimate with anybody. I could be and probably want to be, but it's a limit that I like having for myself, if it makes sense...? I don't 100% get it myself but I'm very loyal to it. (not religious)
I was just wondering if anybody else feels like this, rejecting sex and physical intimacy altogether, and probably even romantic love, even though I feel the want to do all of that, but I think it's just my human body making me desire such things, yet my mind says other things.
https://redd.it/1p4xmnv
@asexualityonreddit
hello everybody.
I am neither asexual nor aromantic, and yes I have found myself to be attracted to people and have sexual thoughts. But the thing is... I don't like it at all.
I don't have a problem with people being sexual, not being virgins blabla, nothing shameful, but I just can't see myself doing stuff like that. It feels so unserious and just so human, can't rlly explain it.
So it's like... I'm not asexual but I wish I was. Not saying life would be easier, not saying I would always like it, but it definitely suits my own values and the philosophy I follow. I want to voluntarily stay a virgin my whole life, without being intimate with anybody. I could be and probably want to be, but it's a limit that I like having for myself, if it makes sense...? I don't 100% get it myself but I'm very loyal to it. (not religious)
I was just wondering if anybody else feels like this, rejecting sex and physical intimacy altogether, and probably even romantic love, even though I feel the want to do all of that, but I think it's just my human body making me desire such things, yet my mind says other things.
https://redd.it/1p4xmnv
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Pridesaur Aro-opter-Ace art done by me, god I love puns...if anyone else has some other cool suggestions for Aroace dinos please feel free to let me know :D
https://redd.it/1p4ue5x
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human bodies are disgusting
im turning 18 next year and i honestly decided to be single for the rest of my life, i just hate how bodies look like full of organs bones veins, they smell, carry many diseases and stuff, i honestly cant understand how people are attracted to this it feels so weird, i see people as piece of flesh and bones, this feels like i wont be able to enjoy my entire life having sex with women just because of all these reasons.
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im turning 18 next year and i honestly decided to be single for the rest of my life, i just hate how bodies look like full of organs bones veins, they smell, carry many diseases and stuff, i honestly cant understand how people are attracted to this it feels so weird, i see people as piece of flesh and bones, this feels like i wont be able to enjoy my entire life having sex with women just because of all these reasons.
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yes, another "am i ace?" post
hi everyone :) i’m feeling lost and confused. i’m sure there are thousands of "am i ace?" posts on here, so i understand if you scroll past mine:
i’m 25 (non-binary lesbian), and haven’t felt "i want to rip your clothes off" arousal since puberty. i very rarely feel a desire to have sex, but i enjoy sensual touching and non-sexual physical touch.
i have only ever orgasmed from a vibrator, but it feels more like a mechanical response. as if my body is simply responding to the clitoral stimulation, rather than it being a result of sexual arousal. i watch porn when i masturbate, and i can sort of get into a sexual headspace, but i still feels somewhat removed. my orgasms are "meh" most of the time, and afterwards, i often feel disgusted and am immediately turned off.
i went through a phase of hooking up with lots of women. i was trying to prove to myself that i DO like sex, but i hardly got any pleasure from it.
i’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 2 years, and i love my partner deeply. i enjoy receiving sensual touch: cuddling, massages, ears being kissed, light and fast scratching all over, etc. this feels pleasurable and sometimes makes my brain feel tingly (if anyone knows what that sensation is, please let me know!!!). what usually happens is that my gf is touching me lightly or giving me a massage, and it feels pleasurable, so i initiate sex. but i rarely crave sex. i find my mind drifting (ADHD doesn’t help), but i proceed because i want to make her feel good. she has a relatively high libido, and i want to make sure im meeting her sexual needs. i top 80% of the time, but i usually don’t feel aroused from it. i’ve only ever orgasmed during sex from using my vibrator on myself.
i feel so ashamed of my low desire for sex. it makes me question if i’m actually attracted to my partner, or anyone, for that matter. i find her beautiful and aesthetically pleasing to look at, and i LOVE being in a relationship, so i know i’m not aromantic. but i feel intense guilt that i’m not drooling over her body. i’m ashamed that i don’t feel the same level of sexual attraction to her that she’s stated feeling for me. my vagina very rarely "beats" when we are physical, and it typically only happens when we’re making out or she’s kissing my ears.
i guess i’m just struggling to understand myself. i know i’m not alone, like, that’s not statistically possible, but i feel lost. i’m looking for any and all advice or feedback. if you have an idea of what umbrella i fit under/want to propose a label, please do!!
(i also want to say that my gf has never pressured me into sex and she’s supportive/understanding. a lot of this pressure and shame is internal)
https://redd.it/1p53fi5
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hi everyone :) i’m feeling lost and confused. i’m sure there are thousands of "am i ace?" posts on here, so i understand if you scroll past mine:
i’m 25 (non-binary lesbian), and haven’t felt "i want to rip your clothes off" arousal since puberty. i very rarely feel a desire to have sex, but i enjoy sensual touching and non-sexual physical touch.
i have only ever orgasmed from a vibrator, but it feels more like a mechanical response. as if my body is simply responding to the clitoral stimulation, rather than it being a result of sexual arousal. i watch porn when i masturbate, and i can sort of get into a sexual headspace, but i still feels somewhat removed. my orgasms are "meh" most of the time, and afterwards, i often feel disgusted and am immediately turned off.
i went through a phase of hooking up with lots of women. i was trying to prove to myself that i DO like sex, but i hardly got any pleasure from it.
i’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 2 years, and i love my partner deeply. i enjoy receiving sensual touch: cuddling, massages, ears being kissed, light and fast scratching all over, etc. this feels pleasurable and sometimes makes my brain feel tingly (if anyone knows what that sensation is, please let me know!!!). what usually happens is that my gf is touching me lightly or giving me a massage, and it feels pleasurable, so i initiate sex. but i rarely crave sex. i find my mind drifting (ADHD doesn’t help), but i proceed because i want to make her feel good. she has a relatively high libido, and i want to make sure im meeting her sexual needs. i top 80% of the time, but i usually don’t feel aroused from it. i’ve only ever orgasmed during sex from using my vibrator on myself.
i feel so ashamed of my low desire for sex. it makes me question if i’m actually attracted to my partner, or anyone, for that matter. i find her beautiful and aesthetically pleasing to look at, and i LOVE being in a relationship, so i know i’m not aromantic. but i feel intense guilt that i’m not drooling over her body. i’m ashamed that i don’t feel the same level of sexual attraction to her that she’s stated feeling for me. my vagina very rarely "beats" when we are physical, and it typically only happens when we’re making out or she’s kissing my ears.
i guess i’m just struggling to understand myself. i know i’m not alone, like, that’s not statistically possible, but i feel lost. i’m looking for any and all advice or feedback. if you have an idea of what umbrella i fit under/want to propose a label, please do!!
(i also want to say that my gf has never pressured me into sex and she’s supportive/understanding. a lot of this pressure and shame is internal)
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Acespace has been a great way to make new friends
Have you tried Acespace? Thank you to whoever from this sub recommended it because it's the most trans friendly AND ace centric app I've heard of.
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Have you tried Acespace? Thank you to whoever from this sub recommended it because it's the most trans friendly AND ace centric app I've heard of.
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Am I Asexual?
If you are questioning whether or not you are asexual (including all microlabels), reply to this post with what made you start questioning, and why.
If you are too shy to post a reply, then you can scroll through the responses for the advice you may be searching for.
https://redd.it/1p58atw
@asexualityonreddit
If you are questioning whether or not you are asexual (including all microlabels), reply to this post with what made you start questioning, and why.
If you are too shy to post a reply, then you can scroll through the responses for the advice you may be searching for.
https://redd.it/1p58atw
@asexualityonreddit
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