Most people look hotter with clothes on

I experience some attraction (ish? it’s complicated), but generally speaking I don’t love seeing people naked. I am very comfortable with non sexual nudity, and even sexual nudity happening around me, but if I’m honest… I never want to see potential partners nudes. I don’t like thinking about or looking at genitals. Underwear pics are way more attractive to me than seeing full nudity. As you can imagine, I’m not much of a porn consumer, and much prefer smut.

There are body parts I like, or sensations I can enjoy thinking about! I just prefer the genitals be covered up. I also think clothes including “sexy” clothes like jockstraps or lingerie can be really effective in highlighting interesting parts of the body, and offer some aesthetic enhancements.

I’m guessing this is an ace thing, but I’d like to hear other opinions.


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@asexualityonreddit

Sexual attraction or just sexual drive?

So I recently lost my virginity to this guy who's my fwb now. Recently we were hanging out (nothing sexual) and I found myself wishing he'd touch me. I was weirded out, bc so far it's all been about my sexual drive, not my sexual attraction (never felt that before in my life) or him specifically. I admit he has a hot body, but now I wonder... is it sexual attraction??? I do like sex with him, it's fun. But now I'm hella confused lol.

https://redd.it/1plfz5r
@asexualityonreddit

Asexual Boy & Demisexual Boy

So I'm asexual and my boyfriend is demisexual.... At first he thought he's asexual and now we're together for almost 2 yrs and recently he told me that he's demisexual... And we're so in love .... But I need an advice .... I don't have words how to ask .... Anyone who speaks Urdu .... Just comment below 👇

https://redd.it/1plfef8
@asexualityonreddit

Suspecting asexuality in myself

Hi so I need advice,

I think I am asexual. I enjoy romantic relationships and cuddling etc, but I don't want to do more other than making out. I can imagine seggsual things and be like wow nice but when it is close to becoming reality I panic. Is this common amongst asexuals? ☹️

Thx in advance 💖

https://redd.it/1plhjlh
@asexualityonreddit

my allo partner wants fwb and bar hookups. i’m sex-repulsed and this is destroying me

so, me (20f) and my partner (21m) are living together. i'm totally sex-repulsed and he is an allosexual who likes sex and really wants it. realistically, it probably wasn't a good idea to start this relationship in the first place, given our total incompatibility on this issue, but it happened the way it happened.

he takes care of me, helps me a lot with domestic chores, provides emotional support, does not judge or criticize me, tells me every day that i'm beautiful, has a good sense of humour, and is generally warm and attentive. because of this, i really do not want to end what we have. on top of that, i'm autistic and i don't have close friends or much social support in real life, and without him i would very likely fall apart from isolation.

as an asexual person, i understand that i cannot give him what he wants. for most of my life, i thought that in such a situation i would be fine with a partner seeking sex elsewhere. i imagined it as something purely mechanical — just sex, no attachment. however, it turned out that for most people sex also includes communication, emotional closeness, and physical contact like hugging and kissing. while i truly do not care about the sexual act itself, that emotional and physical closeness with someone else is extremely painful for me and something i cannot ignore or accept.

yesterday, my partner decided to go to a bar — not just casually, but specifically to look for a friends-with-benefits type of arrangement. not just sex, but also talking, bonding, possibly spending time together. i understand that, objectively, i lose in comparison to an average woman he might meet there: she is likely conventionally attractive, mentally healthy, neurotypical, socially skilled and enjoys sex. it seems very realistic that he could grow closer to her while distancing himself from me.

there are two more important factors. first, being alone for long periods is extremely hard for me and significantly worsens my mental state. going to a bar usually means being gone for several hours. second, if the situation were reversed — if i wanted to go, for example, on a date and the person i lived with told me that this was painful and triggering for them — i would listen and either not go or try to find a compromise.

for several days i tried joking about it, asking him about his reasons, or trying to talk him out of it. he did not change his decision. in the morning i realized it would happen that same day and tried to talk again. this time i directly asked what i could do to make him reconsider. the answer was that there was nothing i could do.

my anxiety became overwhelming, and i ended up doing sh multiple times that day. after that i broke down, started crying and yelling about his plans and about what would happen to me if he went anyway. at one point i said something like: “why is your desire to poke around with your genitals more important to you than my emotional state? why do you ignore me when i try to talk to you seriously?” after that he was completely exhausted by the situation and said he will not go, but also that he was not interested in having any conversations right now.

since yesterday, he doesn't talk to me.

did i manipulate the situation? yes, and there is no point in denying it and i know that i'm a terrible person because of it. but honestly, i do not know how i would have survived that evening if he had gone. i felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders after that scandal. but i know that he didn't give up on the idea, he just postponed it.

one more thing feels important to mention. during the breakdown, for a brief moment i thought that maybe i should just give him what he wants in order to keep him close. then i remembered my past experience of sa and how i felt afterward, and realized that my mental health would not survive that.

i honestly do not understand this part: he lives in my apartment, i pay the rent myself, and in that way i provide him with safety and stability. yet he

cannot respect a single request — not to do one specific thing that triggers me and causes me real pain. i am not even against him seeking this with a sex worker, but that option does not work for him.

so my question is this: are there any realistic ways to save this relationship? i really do not want to break up. he is my only close person, and i love him very much. but is it actually possible to stay together in a situation like this? what am i supposed to do?

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@asexualityonreddit

who needs kids when there's spongebob
https://redd.it/1pl9orm
@asexualityonreddit

I want to make some friends

I'm an asexual 24 yo guy from Costa Rica and sincerely I want try to know a girl from my country because I love to love someone, but sex is not something I like that much because, I don't feel that necessity, so if you wanna try we can know each other and see what happens 😅

https://redd.it/1pll5o0
@asexualityonreddit

How do you find other aces in the wild?

I've been lurking here since I was questioning and I'm pretty sure I resonate with the ace umbrella :)

I remember seeing people post about wearing a black ring and at some point, I did get one but my cousin accidentally broke it (it was made of beads). But now I'm also wondering if there are any other indicators of aces out there?

I don't think I've ever met another ace person irl but then again, I'm not really the type to go out and socialize. I'm very introverted but I do want to find ace friends and partner in the future (but am not in a rush tho). So yeah I'm just curious.

https://redd.it/1plmbft
@asexualityonreddit

Being Ace female is way harder than I thought.

so, I'm 22(F). I recently found out that I never really wanna have sex with anyone so I searched for it. and I found that I'm an Asexual. blah blah.

I downloaded tinder just with a little hope to find someone who can match me.(as a friends or whatever.) And I wrote that I'm Asexual in my bio.

but every time I'm trying to say to guys(mostly) that I'm Asexual ("I don't want to have sex with anyone but I do like small holding hand and skin touch, I'm sex repulsed..."etc.), they say either "you will change your mind if you share the bed with me" or "but you have to please your partner cuz it's your duty. relationship is for two, not one."

for me it feels like they are saying that "you should please your male partner because men are innate with sexual desires, so you MUST, unless you can't get anyone."

I'm so tired of hearing this shit... it almost feels like it's impossible to find a male partner who will totally understand me and platonically love me... what should I do?

https://redd.it/1plo7vg
@asexualityonreddit

Ace Experiences (part 2: Asexual, Fraysexual, Demisexual)

https://redd.it/1plnpkd
@asexualityonreddit

Confused about sensual/sexual attraction

I've known about asexuality for a while and I identified (and still identify for the most part) with it. I'm in a state of an "exclusive friendship" with someone and we're heading towards an official comitted relationship someday (there is more to it but this post is about asexuality). And I've noticed that when we have cuddles on the bed (in clothes and all) my body can react with physical symptops of arousal but at the same my mind doesn't react and I don't have desire for sexual things with that person (or anyone for that matter). And cuddles are the furthest for us at our point in relationship. I would describe myself as sex averse and doubt that sex would be enjoyable for me and the vision of living my life without it seems great but I still feel bad and uncomfortable about my bodily reactions. Could I still be asexual or am I some fraud?

https://redd.it/1plrwua
@asexualityonreddit

He go home ✅
https://redd.it/1plr4uj
@asexualityonreddit

Boyfriend wanted to sleep with me last night

My boyfriend got drunk and tried to have sex with me last night... And it was the most awkward experience of my life.

He was on top of me kissing me and saying all these things he wanted to do with me and I just felt nothing romantic. I didn't enjoy anything about what he was doing or trying to do. I just laid there awkwardly laughing and looking around nervously. He took my bra off at one point and I immediately put it back on and it was so awkward being exposed like that even though I had a t-shirt on over it. He kept cursing to himself and saying there was so much he wanted to do to and with me. He was asking about when my period is going to be over and when I won't be fertile. I very awkwardly was trying to explain that's not how your cycle works but he was saying that the chances are very low when my period is over.

I felt no joy from this. My feelings ranged from indifferent to a state of "oh my gosh what is he doing?!" I told my mom about it after he went home and she was laughing at how freaked out I was saying I was just a late bloomer and to not worry about it because nothing happened and that "the first time somebody tries that it's always weird"

I like my boyfriend but that whole experience just makes me feel so weird and awkward. The thought of doing that for something other than reproduction is just revolting to me. Everything and everyone says that I should be ready and eager to do this because I'm 18, that it's normal to want to do it. But I felt no excitement from the idea. I just felt so embarrassed (?) and awkward at what he was trying.

I'm in this weird limbo of wanting to talk about what happened with people to get my feelings out and also just wanting to forget that ever happened because the one person I've told (my mom) just thought it was funny.

ETA: I hope I didn't make him look like a bad boyfriend. Our relationship has been perfect, I just needed to vent and get some advice on what I hope is a one off situation

https://redd.it/1plpzz6
@asexualityonreddit

Feeling betrayed by allo friends who wanted to "fix" me take 2

I've posted about this twice before, but I've revised and rethought some more things and feel the need scream it into the void again. Sorry for the super long post, honestly, you don't really have to read it...

I (34F) used to be part of a close-knit friend group that included Nikki (25F), Betty (32F), Rick (32M), and Mike (30M). We all worked in the same space and spent a lot of time together going to the pub in the evening, going to the cinema, hiking at the weekend, etc. Mike was the newest addition to the group, but he and I hit it off pretty quickly. He's incredibly chatty, and I generally get along with chatty people - I'm severely socially anxious, so being around someone who can effortlessly fill in any awkward silences and chat to anyone about anything makes social situations a lot less stressful for me, and I end up relaxing and talking a lot more than usual in their presence. I was actually undergoing CBT for social anxiety at that time, so chatting to him was almost like cheating on my therapy homework since it was so much easier than talking to anyone else. That said, he can be very talkative, to the point where he can rub people up the wrong way and people avoided him when he first started (he noticed enough to mention that he thought we were unfriendly bunch) and I felt a little sorry for him and made an extra effort to be bring him into the fold. Mike also came into the job with very little experience, and I, again feeling sorry for him, went out of my way to help train him. I also found out quite early on that he grew up with a sick sister who was constantly in and out of hospital and I do have a bad habit of collecting lost lambs. I saw him as a neglected little boy who was hyperindependent as a result; someone who was clearly on the neurodivergent spectrum but used to masking by just chatting and chatting and chatting; a puppy of a large breed dog, hands and feet a bit too big, limbs a bit too long, hair flopping about the place as he runs around excitedly - cute but somebody to be indulged more than anything. I was also about 60-70% sure that he was gay. I let myself relax around him, thinking he was "safe."

Suddenly, I realised that Nikki, Betty, and Rick were starting to make little comments about me and Mike. We happened to leave the pub at the same time one evening, and there were all sort of not-so-subtle questions the next day from Rick as if we'd left together. During a lively debate between me and Mike, Rick even joked that it was a "domestic."

The thing is, I’ve never been in a relationship or even dated anyone. It’s just not something I’ve ever wanted. I’ve never met anyone - male or female - that I could imagine going on a date with, let alone anything beyond that. Even though I struggle to express this even to myself, let alone my friends, because I sometimes feel like there is something desperately wrong with me, something missing in me, I started using the “ace” label to explain it, and even made sure to mention that label in front of Mike to avoid any misunderstandings. I expressed occasionally, when the subject came up, the fact that I don't think that I ever want to be in a relationship because I don't think it's right for me and I certainly don't want kids. Although the response I'd get from Nikki, who very much wants to get married and have kids, was "aw, it's just about finding the right person." (Side note - why do allos think this an acceptable response? If I were a lesbian and someone told me "aw, it's just about finding the right man" they'd know that was wrong. I guess I what I really want is reassurance that I could live a fulfulling life without having a romantic/sexual relationship.)

Anyways, these little comments therefore took me by surprise. I honestly thought the others understood me better than that - I thought I'd made that clear that I was ace even if I didn't go about shouting it from the rooftops. Plus, isn't Mike gay? I guess I read far too much into some of the things he said and got that

completely wrong! I was really confused and I wasn't really sure what to do - while I liked his company I didn't feel like I'd treated Mike any differently from anyone other friend and honestly, my social anxiety was already a lot to manage without now overthinking how I was acting around him or how others might be interpreting it. It's really, really difficult to predict how people will react around an emotion you've never experienced! Besides, even if I was wrong about Mike being gay, he knows I'm ace, right? And I didn't think he treated me any differently than he treated anyone else either! I resolved to ignore the little comments. Mike seemed to do the same.

However, the more we tried to ignore the comments, the more obvious they became. I swear Nikki, Betty, and Rick were practically pointing and laughing at me and Mike whenever we chatted. At first, it really bothered me, especially as we'd both be visibly uncomfortable with the comments, but they would just continue anyway. And poor Mike - they didn't have to bring attention to the fact he had a crush on me when they know I'm incapable of reciprocating!

Then, something changed. I’m not sure what exactly shifted, but suddenly, I realised I actually liked the attention. For the first time in my life, I felt desirable, and I liked the idea of someone being attracted to me. He’d turn this adorable shade of red and look at me as if I were amazing and I felt like I actually was amazing.

I’ve always struggled with low self-esteem, but, for the first time in my life, I believed someone could actually want me. And I found out something that presumably allos already know - it's attractive to be wanted. To my surprise, I started realising I liked Mike - a lot. It was like a switch had flipped in my brain - one that I think was supposed to have flipped long ago during puberty. I could even picture myself with him in some way - maybe? I wasn’t sure, but the thought of dating, cuddling, kissing... it felt possible. Sometimes, in fact, it was all I could think about in his presence - all I wanted in the world in those moments was to lay my head on his chest or to wind his curls round and round my finger.

Sex, however, was still a step too far for me, but even that idea didn’t feel repulsive anymore - just alien and terrifying. But it was the first time I didn’t feel completely shut down to the idea, even if I wasn’t exactly drawn to it either. However, I couldn't quite figure out Mike, though. For all the little comments made by others, for all the times he looked at me as if I were amazing, he seemed to me to be giving off very mixed signals. I never really liked the way he treated me - defensive and patronising. But the others seemed to think this was cute, so maybe I was wrong? After all, what would I know? It’s not like I have any experience in this area!

Then, one day, Nikki (who out of everyone in the group I was closest to) came up to me - I stress this was out of the blue and I did not ask - and told me that someone "liked me as more than a friend" and that *"*they wanted to know if it was returned." I repeated "they want to know?" just to be sure. And she said "yes, they want to know." I even made her confirm who she was talking about, and she said "Mike." I responded that the answer was about a 90% yes. Then I went home and had a full-blown panic attack. The 90% yes turned into an 100% no. I was so confused. Yes, I had started feeling things for Mike that I’d never felt for anyone before and it had been interesting and new, but now that it might actually turn into something I really wasn’t sure I wanted to take it any further... Plus, what kind of 30-year old asks through a mutual friend instead of talking to me directly? Suddenly, all the pressure was on me to act, and I just didn’t know what to do.

But then again, I had made sure to let everyone know I was ace - so maybe Mike was just as confused by whatever mixed signals I was giving off as I was by his mixed signals, so asked my friends for help figuring it out. Or could it even be possible

that he didn’t mind that I was ace? Maybe he liked (could it even be… loved?) me enough that he was willing to work with the ace thing? I spiralled for a month, barely able to talk to him. I’d avoid him in the hallways, ducking behind corners whenever I saw him. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I genuinely didn’t know what I wanted from him.

But I was curious to find out.

I worried, though, that that wouldn't be fair to him, that I would be almost using him to figure myself out. But I came to the conclusion that if I was up front about it, he could decide himself. I figured I'd tell him I am curious about sex, even though, to be honest, it was the part I was least curious about, but I'd need some time to be comfortable with the idea. So, in the middle of a massive panic attack, I finally texted him on WhatsApp, asking if he’d like to grab a drink sometime. It took him 45 minutes to reply, and when he finally did, he said, “I’m sorry, I think of us as just friends…”

What?! Why did he ask Nikki to talk to me then??

The thing is, I was relieved more than anything. I don't think I could’ve gone through with it, and maybe this was the answer I needed. Embarrassed and not wanting to make things awkward, I didn’t tell Nikki what had happened. I figured that Mike changed his mind and that she’d be upset about being put in the middle, and I didn’t want to cause any tension in the group. While I was confused and embarrassed, I was hardly devastated and really just happy that the issue had been resolved, and it was relatively easy within a couple of weeks for me to go back to normal around Mike.

But then, about six months later, Mike and I had a blazing row. It doesn't matter what it was about, but it turns out I was willing to put up with his patronising, defensive, contrary behaviour towards me when I thought it was because he had a crush on me and didn’t know what to do about it (and I was even willing to act like it was cute the way the others did) but when I found out that wasn’t true and he continued to treat me this way, I grew more and more resentful until I couldn’t stand it anymore and snapped back and told him to stop being so patronising and dismissive - and he really didn’t like that…

Anyways, the important thing is, what fell out of the row is that Mike had never said anything of the sort to Nikki. Turned out, Betty, Nikki, and, to some extent, Rick had conspired to try and push Mike and me together. Betty had been working on Mike, encouraging him to ask me out, but he clearly wasn’t interested, since he never did. When that plan failed, Nikki thought lying to me and manipulating the situation was the best way to force my hand.

I was devastated.

I tried to confront Nikki about lying to me, and instead of owning up to it, she turned it all around on me, claiming it was my fault for not confiding in her more...funny, I thought this was something happening between me and Mike - I didn’t realise she was involved…

But the worst part was when, in an attempt to justify their actions, she casually said that the only reason Mike ever talked to me was because they’d forced him to - as if I should be grateful.

I responded that I had seen them shuffle about occasionally so that we would be forced to sit together and found it irrita-"It was always us," she interrupted.

In a quiet voice, I said, “Oh, I thought he talked to me because he enjoyed it, because he liked my company.”

She threw her head back and laughed, like I’d just said the funniest thing in the world, before repeating, “No, it was always us.”

My heart shattered. All the the self-esteem and self-belief that someone could actually want me collapsed in an instant. I thought he liked me for who I am, whether platonically or more, turns out they went up to the nearest single man in my orbit and threw me at him saying "hey this pitiful thing needs to get laid, maybe you could bring yourself get the job done." Because sex had very much been an issue, and none of them had ever accepted my ace label - when Betty was encouraging Mike to ask me