out, he'd asked if she thought I'd even sleep with him. And she'd said that sometimes it just takes the right person. I felt sick to my stomach when she recounted that to me, with Nikki grinning from ear to ear beside her...
I cried almost every day for 6 months.
I cut off Mike - it was an easy decision, he'd always been an AH, I just let him get away with it because whenever I complained about his behaviour towards me, the others would say things like "oh he's just overcompensating" and smirk at each other. I felt so stupid for falling for the whole "boy is mean to girl, so he must like her" trope.
The clearest example of how poorly he treated me came from a stupid disagreement about photography - a hobby we both enjoy. I’ve loved taking photos since I was a child, and while I’m fully aware that I’m not particularly good at it, I do it because I enjoy it as a creative outlet. What I love most is the act of taking the photo itself: seeing the world through the lens, lining up the shot, and finding the right framing. Mike, on the other hand, loves editing photos - often to extremes, turning day into night or making an image look like a scene from a movie. For some reason, he took it very personally when I said I didn’t enjoy the editing process and insisted that I had to do it.
This all came to a head when we were out at the pub on my birthday. I was chatting to Rick while Mike was talking to Betty and another friend, when all of a sudden I heard my name. I turned just in time to hear him say:
“\[My name\]’s photos are a bit shit.”
Tears prickled my eyes and my chin started to wobble. I said, “What?” I swear I saw his eyes widen as he realised he’d gone too far and that I was upset. And then he doubled down.
“Because you don’t edit them,” he said, before rambling on and on about it, taking out his phone and showing his own photos.
I looked to Betty and Rick for help. Almost pleading, I said, “I think my photos are okay.” I repeated it three times before Betty finally muttered, “Yeah, they’re fine.”
All the while, they looked more amused than anything - like this was a “domestic” they shouldn’t get involved in. There was no coming to my defence. If anything, they seemed to think it was cute. Even when I told Betty later how upset I was, she just laughed. Only the other friend tried to defend me.
That evening - on my birthday, remember - I cried and cried once I got home. I think that was really the straw that finally broke the camel's back, even though the blazing row itself didn’t come until another month or so later. What kind of person so casually insults the creative outlet of someone they care about - and doesn't at least backpedal (I knew him well enough not to expect an apology) when that person is visibly upset? And how could Betty and Rick possibly think this is okay? In some ways I almost feel sorry for them, if they consider this cute behaviour. I'd trusted them because I thought they had more experience in this area than I did. Now I was starting to realise what a mistake that was. Even I have more self respect that to be spoken to with such contempt - don't they?
Anyways, when Mike and I were arguing later, I brought this up as a reason why I was upset. He claimed he didn't remember what he said, but added that he "didn't see how the conversation could have gone any differently than it had before." So we can add "gaslighter" to his list of charges. How dare he act as though I'm just some hysterical woman inventing things for the sake of "drama." And he didn't remember? Whenever I've crossed a line when teasing someone I care about, I sure as hell remember it - so that I never cross that line again. He truly never cared about me at all. Instead, he belittled me, dismissed me, and treated me with contempt.
His performance at work never improved either despite my best attempts to train him - turns out it wasn't his lack of experience that caused him to constantly make mistakes and break things, it was his "incompetence" (as others described it, not me!). In fact I often felt
I cried almost every day for 6 months.
I cut off Mike - it was an easy decision, he'd always been an AH, I just let him get away with it because whenever I complained about his behaviour towards me, the others would say things like "oh he's just overcompensating" and smirk at each other. I felt so stupid for falling for the whole "boy is mean to girl, so he must like her" trope.
The clearest example of how poorly he treated me came from a stupid disagreement about photography - a hobby we both enjoy. I’ve loved taking photos since I was a child, and while I’m fully aware that I’m not particularly good at it, I do it because I enjoy it as a creative outlet. What I love most is the act of taking the photo itself: seeing the world through the lens, lining up the shot, and finding the right framing. Mike, on the other hand, loves editing photos - often to extremes, turning day into night or making an image look like a scene from a movie. For some reason, he took it very personally when I said I didn’t enjoy the editing process and insisted that I had to do it.
This all came to a head when we were out at the pub on my birthday. I was chatting to Rick while Mike was talking to Betty and another friend, when all of a sudden I heard my name. I turned just in time to hear him say:
“\[My name\]’s photos are a bit shit.”
Tears prickled my eyes and my chin started to wobble. I said, “What?” I swear I saw his eyes widen as he realised he’d gone too far and that I was upset. And then he doubled down.
“Because you don’t edit them,” he said, before rambling on and on about it, taking out his phone and showing his own photos.
I looked to Betty and Rick for help. Almost pleading, I said, “I think my photos are okay.” I repeated it three times before Betty finally muttered, “Yeah, they’re fine.”
All the while, they looked more amused than anything - like this was a “domestic” they shouldn’t get involved in. There was no coming to my defence. If anything, they seemed to think it was cute. Even when I told Betty later how upset I was, she just laughed. Only the other friend tried to defend me.
That evening - on my birthday, remember - I cried and cried once I got home. I think that was really the straw that finally broke the camel's back, even though the blazing row itself didn’t come until another month or so later. What kind of person so casually insults the creative outlet of someone they care about - and doesn't at least backpedal (I knew him well enough not to expect an apology) when that person is visibly upset? And how could Betty and Rick possibly think this is okay? In some ways I almost feel sorry for them, if they consider this cute behaviour. I'd trusted them because I thought they had more experience in this area than I did. Now I was starting to realise what a mistake that was. Even I have more self respect that to be spoken to with such contempt - don't they?
Anyways, when Mike and I were arguing later, I brought this up as a reason why I was upset. He claimed he didn't remember what he said, but added that he "didn't see how the conversation could have gone any differently than it had before." So we can add "gaslighter" to his list of charges. How dare he act as though I'm just some hysterical woman inventing things for the sake of "drama." And he didn't remember? Whenever I've crossed a line when teasing someone I care about, I sure as hell remember it - so that I never cross that line again. He truly never cared about me at all. Instead, he belittled me, dismissed me, and treated me with contempt.
His performance at work never improved either despite my best attempts to train him - turns out it wasn't his lack of experience that caused him to constantly make mistakes and break things, it was his "incompetence" (as others described it, not me!). In fact I often felt
uncomfortably ashamed of him at work as he was often the butt of the joke in our workplace as an incompetent know-it-all. I even talked to someone from his previous team who said that this had been an issue there as well. She summed him up as “nice enough, but extremely ignorant.” However, when there was a problem at work, people used to come to me to “deal with him” as they said I was the only patient enough to talk to him and I was one he’d listen to, as he‘d always get extremely defensive and deny any responsibility for anything. And somehow that was cute too... He told me that the messag I sent telling him to stop being so patronising and dismissive was the meanest thing that any friend had said to him. This sounds cruel, but I genuinely mean it kindly: I almost feel sorry for him that no one has cared enough about him to tell him how he comes accross.
The worst part is, I'd had several thoughts about how we'd be suited to each other because neither of us were exactly likeable so it's not like we'd have another shot with anyone else...Which I is a horrible thing not only to think about myself, but also the supposed object of my affections... I guess I'd built up enough self-esteem to believe that someone could want me, but not enough to believe I deserved better.
Nikki and Betty were not supportive of my decistion to cut Mike off.
Nikki: "You need to talk to Mike for the good of the friend group."
Betty: "We need to fix this because this friend group means a lot to me and I need it."
What kind of people look at someone who is devastated and crying in front of them and makes it about how they are affected? Especially when they played such a significant role in creating the situation in the first place?
They both blamed Mike: “Oh, he definitely liked you. It’s all his fault - he just got scared.” Well he says that it isn't true. Are you mind readers? And even he's lying, doesn't that presumably mean that he got scared because you two pushed too hard?
“Anyone could see you two had chemistry - we thought it would be cute.” Did either of us get a say in that? Aren’t there different kinds of chemistry? Am I not allowed to have a male friend without it becoming a whole thing? Did you never listen to me when I said dating and relationships aren't for me?
I eventually realised that while they were whispering in my ear that Mike had a thing for me, they were whispering in his ear that I had a thing for him. The adorable shade of red he sometimes went wasn’t because he had a crush on me and didn’t know how to handle it - it was because he’d been led to believe that I had a crush on him, and he didn’t know how to handle that. And the same was true for me.
I genuinely believe Mike and I could have had a perfectly pleasant friendship if others hadn’t tried to manufacture something more and push us together. I think that pressure is what made him defensive and belittling toward me - trying to shove me back into my “friend” box.
Nikki even admitted she’d done other things as well, but refused to tell me what when it became clear I wasn’t reacting with the gratitude she expected.
What disturbed me most was how gleeful Nikki seemed about the whole thing. When I told them Mike had sent me messages that I found deeply hurtful, her immediate response was a dramatic gasp followed by, “Can I read them?” When I said no, she pouted. Why was she excited to read something I’d just said had hurt me so badly?
She delighted in recounting things Mike had said. When I asked her to stop - telling her that hearing these things was uppsetting me and I would rather hear from him directly once things had settled - she said, “Yeah, that makes sense,” and then… continued anyway.
In the middle of a supposed heart-to-heart, she suddenly asked if I was still happy to host Thanksgiving at my place. When I stared at her, stunned, and said I didn’t really feel up to it, she pouted and reminded me it would be her last Thanksgiving before moving abroad. She begged, promising she’d organise everything. Weeks later,
The worst part is, I'd had several thoughts about how we'd be suited to each other because neither of us were exactly likeable so it's not like we'd have another shot with anyone else...Which I is a horrible thing not only to think about myself, but also the supposed object of my affections... I guess I'd built up enough self-esteem to believe that someone could want me, but not enough to believe I deserved better.
Nikki and Betty were not supportive of my decistion to cut Mike off.
Nikki: "You need to talk to Mike for the good of the friend group."
Betty: "We need to fix this because this friend group means a lot to me and I need it."
What kind of people look at someone who is devastated and crying in front of them and makes it about how they are affected? Especially when they played such a significant role in creating the situation in the first place?
They both blamed Mike: “Oh, he definitely liked you. It’s all his fault - he just got scared.” Well he says that it isn't true. Are you mind readers? And even he's lying, doesn't that presumably mean that he got scared because you two pushed too hard?
“Anyone could see you two had chemistry - we thought it would be cute.” Did either of us get a say in that? Aren’t there different kinds of chemistry? Am I not allowed to have a male friend without it becoming a whole thing? Did you never listen to me when I said dating and relationships aren't for me?
I eventually realised that while they were whispering in my ear that Mike had a thing for me, they were whispering in his ear that I had a thing for him. The adorable shade of red he sometimes went wasn’t because he had a crush on me and didn’t know how to handle it - it was because he’d been led to believe that I had a crush on him, and he didn’t know how to handle that. And the same was true for me.
I genuinely believe Mike and I could have had a perfectly pleasant friendship if others hadn’t tried to manufacture something more and push us together. I think that pressure is what made him defensive and belittling toward me - trying to shove me back into my “friend” box.
Nikki even admitted she’d done other things as well, but refused to tell me what when it became clear I wasn’t reacting with the gratitude she expected.
What disturbed me most was how gleeful Nikki seemed about the whole thing. When I told them Mike had sent me messages that I found deeply hurtful, her immediate response was a dramatic gasp followed by, “Can I read them?” When I said no, she pouted. Why was she excited to read something I’d just said had hurt me so badly?
She delighted in recounting things Mike had said. When I asked her to stop - telling her that hearing these things was uppsetting me and I would rather hear from him directly once things had settled - she said, “Yeah, that makes sense,” and then… continued anyway.
In the middle of a supposed heart-to-heart, she suddenly asked if I was still happy to host Thanksgiving at my place. When I stared at her, stunned, and said I didn’t really feel up to it, she pouted and reminded me it would be her last Thanksgiving before moving abroad. She begged, promising she’d organise everything. Weeks later,
feeling guilty, I agreed to host and cook the main roast on the condition that she handle the emails and organising. She looked genuinely affronted at being asked to do even that much.
Meanwhile, Betty messaged me she’d feel so much better if Mike and I could just get along. I tried to explain how deeply this whole experience had cut me. She didn’t even acknowledge half of what I wrote.
I’d always been the organiser of the group - finding things to do, buying tickets, chasing people for money or quietly accepting the loss. I didn’t have the energy for that anymore. Betty complained that we never did anything except go to the pub, glaring at me. At one point, she suggested seeing a play. I said I was interested, gave her days that worked best for me, and added that I was flexible. She ended up going with other people because she “didn’t think I was interested enough.” Apparently, because I hadn’t picked a date, booked it, and paid - like I usually did.
Still, feeling guilty that my sadness was causing me to neglect my friendship with them, I invited Betty and Rick over for a Sunday roast. They didn’t acknowledge the invitation for three days - Betty just changed the subject. This was especially hurtful because Betty gets extremely upset when people don’t respond to her invitations, something we’ve both talked about as a trigger for our social anxiety and rejection sensitivity. Eventually they came, and it was perfectly pleasant. But it was the last time I ever invited them to my home or initiated plans.
Yet whenever they organised something, they seemed incapable of doing so without inviting Mike. I understand that excluding people is awkward - but couldn’t they do it occasionally, so I could feel comfortable spending time with them? Was that really too much to ask, given that they were my friends first?
In the meantime, Nikki had moved abroad. Unable to cope with another confrontation and since the world would go wibbly and I'd have to sit down and take deep breaths whenever her name came up on her phone to stop myself from tipping over into a panic attack (I'd never had a panic attack until the day she lied to me, and now I have them all the time), one day I just blocked her and removed her from all social media (which I’d already mostly disabled anyway)
Betty was furious, telling me that Nikki didn't mean any harm and she's so upset about being blocked.
SHE'S upset*???*
Has Betty not seen me crying every day for the past six months? Does she not see that I'm a shell of my former self?
Betty barely talks to me and looks all upset. Rick does too, although only for about a day - he's a fairly solid bloke. Although that's why, when he started making comments, I'd taken them seriously as he's not the sort to casually gossip. I'm not sure how involved he was, but that's enough for me to have lost trust in him.
Betty has moved abroad as well now and I'm low contact with her. Honestly, I don't miss her at all. Rick is moving soon, too, thank god.
Mike is still around, though. He works split between two sites, so at least he isn’t at my workplace all the time. Even so, his presence affects me so deeply that I’ve decided to move to a different team. I hate that he’s had this much impact on my career, but when he’s around, I just feel so… small.
This happened over a year ago and I'm still struggling to get over it. I still cry all the time and I've had to go on beta blockers since I keep having panic attacks before scheduled socialising events. I'm finding it hard to trust anyone again. I've never been very good at making friends because I struggle to read people. This group was also one of the first times I'd been in such a close knit group of friends. Close enough I talked about being ace with them...When Mike first turned me down, of course I thought that maybe Nikki had lied to me, but I actually felt guilty - like I was a bad friend - for the fact that it had even crossed my mind that she would do that to me.
I still have a lot of questions about my sexuality. I had thought I wasn't capable of
Meanwhile, Betty messaged me she’d feel so much better if Mike and I could just get along. I tried to explain how deeply this whole experience had cut me. She didn’t even acknowledge half of what I wrote.
I’d always been the organiser of the group - finding things to do, buying tickets, chasing people for money or quietly accepting the loss. I didn’t have the energy for that anymore. Betty complained that we never did anything except go to the pub, glaring at me. At one point, she suggested seeing a play. I said I was interested, gave her days that worked best for me, and added that I was flexible. She ended up going with other people because she “didn’t think I was interested enough.” Apparently, because I hadn’t picked a date, booked it, and paid - like I usually did.
Still, feeling guilty that my sadness was causing me to neglect my friendship with them, I invited Betty and Rick over for a Sunday roast. They didn’t acknowledge the invitation for three days - Betty just changed the subject. This was especially hurtful because Betty gets extremely upset when people don’t respond to her invitations, something we’ve both talked about as a trigger for our social anxiety and rejection sensitivity. Eventually they came, and it was perfectly pleasant. But it was the last time I ever invited them to my home or initiated plans.
Yet whenever they organised something, they seemed incapable of doing so without inviting Mike. I understand that excluding people is awkward - but couldn’t they do it occasionally, so I could feel comfortable spending time with them? Was that really too much to ask, given that they were my friends first?
In the meantime, Nikki had moved abroad. Unable to cope with another confrontation and since the world would go wibbly and I'd have to sit down and take deep breaths whenever her name came up on her phone to stop myself from tipping over into a panic attack (I'd never had a panic attack until the day she lied to me, and now I have them all the time), one day I just blocked her and removed her from all social media (which I’d already mostly disabled anyway)
Betty was furious, telling me that Nikki didn't mean any harm and she's so upset about being blocked.
SHE'S upset*???*
Has Betty not seen me crying every day for the past six months? Does she not see that I'm a shell of my former self?
Betty barely talks to me and looks all upset. Rick does too, although only for about a day - he's a fairly solid bloke. Although that's why, when he started making comments, I'd taken them seriously as he's not the sort to casually gossip. I'm not sure how involved he was, but that's enough for me to have lost trust in him.
Betty has moved abroad as well now and I'm low contact with her. Honestly, I don't miss her at all. Rick is moving soon, too, thank god.
Mike is still around, though. He works split between two sites, so at least he isn’t at my workplace all the time. Even so, his presence affects me so deeply that I’ve decided to move to a different team. I hate that he’s had this much impact on my career, but when he’s around, I just feel so… small.
This happened over a year ago and I'm still struggling to get over it. I still cry all the time and I've had to go on beta blockers since I keep having panic attacks before scheduled socialising events. I'm finding it hard to trust anyone again. I've never been very good at making friends because I struggle to read people. This group was also one of the first times I'd been in such a close knit group of friends. Close enough I talked about being ace with them...When Mike first turned me down, of course I thought that maybe Nikki had lied to me, but I actually felt guilty - like I was a bad friend - for the fact that it had even crossed my mind that she would do that to me.
I still have a lot of questions about my sexuality. I had thought I wasn't capable of
romantic/sexual attraction, but maybe I am? Feeling attraction to Mike confirmed that I'd never actually felt that towards anyone else before. I'm still unclear if it was solely romantic attraction, or some sexual attraction as well. Even worse, my self esteem is through the floor and I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with me at this point in time... which is honestly an even worse feeling than when I'd made my peace with the idea I'd never date anyone because I'm not capable of feeling attracted to anyone. I've felt no glimmer of attraction to anyone since.
Anyways, long and rambling post, with little point or conclusion. I just mostly wanted to tell my story to strangers to get it out of my head a maybe get some advice. I'm very confused at the moment. I feel very betrayed by my so-called friends. I feel like a lot of this could have been avoided if they'd just accepted me for who I am. Instead they didn't accept that I could be this way, so they tried to “fix” me by throwing me at the nearest available man. I feel like they treated me like a child who isn't eating their vegetables and needs to be tricked into eating them because it's good for them.
Then again, I was so desperate to be loved, I fell for him once I truly believed he liked me, despite the fact he was clearly a bad fit for me.... now that the switch is on, am I just so desperate to be loved that I will fall in love with anyone who shows some interest? I don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel okay again.
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Anyways, long and rambling post, with little point or conclusion. I just mostly wanted to tell my story to strangers to get it out of my head a maybe get some advice. I'm very confused at the moment. I feel very betrayed by my so-called friends. I feel like a lot of this could have been avoided if they'd just accepted me for who I am. Instead they didn't accept that I could be this way, so they tried to “fix” me by throwing me at the nearest available man. I feel like they treated me like a child who isn't eating their vegetables and needs to be tricked into eating them because it's good for them.
Then again, I was so desperate to be loved, I fell for him once I truly believed he liked me, despite the fact he was clearly a bad fit for me.... now that the switch is on, am I just so desperate to be loved that I will fall in love with anyone who shows some interest? I don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel okay again.
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Non asexual needing advice on asexual/bi boyfriend
I just need advice and more education on this. When my boyfriend and I first started dating he told me he was asexual. I had no idea what that was so I did a bunch of research and read up on it to see what it was. That’s something I’m fine with because I don’t need sexual intimacy all the time. We’ve talked about eventually having kids, and he said he’s not celibate, that he doesn’t mind having sex with someone as long as there’s a strong connection, and said he’s fine and not uncomfortable with us having sex. Since then I’ve asked and he always says no and I respect that and don’t push it, or I ask can we try later and he tells me yes and then when later comes he makes an excuse as to why it’s not happening. Then about a month ago he told me he was bi. I’m just worried now that he’s with the wrong gender and doesn’t want to say anything. He says he prefers women, and makes comments and says he’s ready but when it comes down to it he rejects it. I recently asked him if he’s sex repulsed because if he is I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable and I’ll stop asking. He said no and that he’s fine with it, and that we have that connection, but when I ask it’s always no. Are there any asexual/bi men who can give me advice? It’s just confusing as a non asexual person and I’m just trying to understand him better. I’m also the first person he’s ever dated so I’m wondering if maybe he’s with the wrong gender. He doesn’t give me much to go on so now I’m asking for advice to better understand.
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I just need advice and more education on this. When my boyfriend and I first started dating he told me he was asexual. I had no idea what that was so I did a bunch of research and read up on it to see what it was. That’s something I’m fine with because I don’t need sexual intimacy all the time. We’ve talked about eventually having kids, and he said he’s not celibate, that he doesn’t mind having sex with someone as long as there’s a strong connection, and said he’s fine and not uncomfortable with us having sex. Since then I’ve asked and he always says no and I respect that and don’t push it, or I ask can we try later and he tells me yes and then when later comes he makes an excuse as to why it’s not happening. Then about a month ago he told me he was bi. I’m just worried now that he’s with the wrong gender and doesn’t want to say anything. He says he prefers women, and makes comments and says he’s ready but when it comes down to it he rejects it. I recently asked him if he’s sex repulsed because if he is I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable and I’ll stop asking. He said no and that he’s fine with it, and that we have that connection, but when I ask it’s always no. Are there any asexual/bi men who can give me advice? It’s just confusing as a non asexual person and I’m just trying to understand him better. I’m also the first person he’s ever dated so I’m wondering if maybe he’s with the wrong gender. He doesn’t give me much to go on so now I’m asking for advice to better understand.
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Do you feel comfortable wearing revealing clothes as an ace?
I've often wondered how I'd feel about revealing clothes if I wasn't raised by conservative christians- I'm not longer religious, but a lot of that internalized shame surrounding my own body lingers even a decade or so after de-converting. That and well, I'm asexual, and I feel like it'd give people the wrong impression, but at the same time I know that showing skin isn't an invitation.
There's also the whole thing about being AFAB and so many men being creeps. Literally the only time I wore something revealing, some overalls with thigh high socks back when I was maybe 16 on a special occasion, an old guy offered to buy me a drink and was staring at me for like 2 hrs. I kept texting my sibling asking if they could come sooner, worried if I got up to use the bathroom he was going to follow me and do something. Since then, I've been too scared to.
Now there's the option of dressing up in revealing stuff through media, maybe drawing a sona with a lot of skin showing, but even then I worry about people assuming stuff... I remember having to keep reminding my ex-friend I was asexual since I often drew my sona with low cut tops and skirts/shorts that showed thighs. I find them aesthetically pleasing and consider it freeing since so much of my youth was all tied up in shame surrounding the female body.
But at the same time... I wonder if allos who are "accepting" really understand it, cause it feels like they pretend to, only to say flirty stuff and make sexual comments about me much later, once I can just excuse it as just them joking around... idk. I haven't had sex, I don't want sex, I don't experience sexual attraction ever, but I kinda just like wearing certain stuff for the aesthetic. But I worry about the kind of attention I get from it. I worry I attract friends who are just waiting for a chance to get my guard down and make me think I'm just pretending to be ace, you know?
But yea, that's just my experience.
TL;DR For those who wear revealing stuff as an ace, why and how have your experiences been?
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I've often wondered how I'd feel about revealing clothes if I wasn't raised by conservative christians- I'm not longer religious, but a lot of that internalized shame surrounding my own body lingers even a decade or so after de-converting. That and well, I'm asexual, and I feel like it'd give people the wrong impression, but at the same time I know that showing skin isn't an invitation.
There's also the whole thing about being AFAB and so many men being creeps. Literally the only time I wore something revealing, some overalls with thigh high socks back when I was maybe 16 on a special occasion, an old guy offered to buy me a drink and was staring at me for like 2 hrs. I kept texting my sibling asking if they could come sooner, worried if I got up to use the bathroom he was going to follow me and do something. Since then, I've been too scared to.
Now there's the option of dressing up in revealing stuff through media, maybe drawing a sona with a lot of skin showing, but even then I worry about people assuming stuff... I remember having to keep reminding my ex-friend I was asexual since I often drew my sona with low cut tops and skirts/shorts that showed thighs. I find them aesthetically pleasing and consider it freeing since so much of my youth was all tied up in shame surrounding the female body.
But at the same time... I wonder if allos who are "accepting" really understand it, cause it feels like they pretend to, only to say flirty stuff and make sexual comments about me much later, once I can just excuse it as just them joking around... idk. I haven't had sex, I don't want sex, I don't experience sexual attraction ever, but I kinda just like wearing certain stuff for the aesthetic. But I worry about the kind of attention I get from it. I worry I attract friends who are just waiting for a chance to get my guard down and make me think I'm just pretending to be ace, you know?
But yea, that's just my experience.
TL;DR For those who wear revealing stuff as an ace, why and how have your experiences been?
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r / offmychest, Asexual Style
So this isn’t really a vent or rant, and I’m not looking for advice. This is just kind of something I’ve noticed I do, and I went “…Huh.” and can’t really stop ‘huh’ing about it so I’m writing it down. Maybe y’all can relate.
I never have any idea how tf to react when my partner sends me nudes???????
Lemme preface: I’m aroace, my partner is demi. We’ve been long distance for four years. We’ve visited each other, gone on vacations, call every night, are planning on moving in together and being long-term as soon as we’re both done with college. I love him in my own weird little aro way, and I’m very happy.
I’m also sex-ambivalent with a very low libido, and my desire is almost entirely responsive, if it’s even there. Some days I’m down, some days I’m repulsed, most days I don’t give a shit, but it’s never the first thing that comes to mind. He knows this, and respects the hell out of it. We’ve given how we feel in our relationship on its own “a grade of 100%”, and anything sexual is “extra credit”. Always welcome, never necessary. That said, he’s spontaneous, high libido, and flirty. And, because I’ve greenlit it, sometimes we get intimate, either video calls or nudes.
I’ve found it to be easier for me to be involved in a video call, but. Man I just. Like. I get a nude with a flirty message and my first reaction is always something like “Huh. Ok. Cool ass 👍🏼” Don’t get me wrong he’s very handsome but it’s like on par with him sending me a picture of his elbow lmfao. Anyone else?
https://redd.it/1pm351j
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So this isn’t really a vent or rant, and I’m not looking for advice. This is just kind of something I’ve noticed I do, and I went “…Huh.” and can’t really stop ‘huh’ing about it so I’m writing it down. Maybe y’all can relate.
I never have any idea how tf to react when my partner sends me nudes???????
Lemme preface: I’m aroace, my partner is demi. We’ve been long distance for four years. We’ve visited each other, gone on vacations, call every night, are planning on moving in together and being long-term as soon as we’re both done with college. I love him in my own weird little aro way, and I’m very happy.
I’m also sex-ambivalent with a very low libido, and my desire is almost entirely responsive, if it’s even there. Some days I’m down, some days I’m repulsed, most days I don’t give a shit, but it’s never the first thing that comes to mind. He knows this, and respects the hell out of it. We’ve given how we feel in our relationship on its own “a grade of 100%”, and anything sexual is “extra credit”. Always welcome, never necessary. That said, he’s spontaneous, high libido, and flirty. And, because I’ve greenlit it, sometimes we get intimate, either video calls or nudes.
I’ve found it to be easier for me to be involved in a video call, but. Man I just. Like. I get a nude with a flirty message and my first reaction is always something like “Huh. Ok. Cool ass 👍🏼” Don’t get me wrong he’s very handsome but it’s like on par with him sending me a picture of his elbow lmfao. Anyone else?
https://redd.it/1pm351j
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Update (?): Boyfriend wanted to sleep with me last night
So early today I had made a post about how my boyfriend got drunk and basically made moves to try and sleep with me which were unsuccessful.
He came over tonight and he had no memory of the previous night. All he remembered was vaguely cuddling on top of me. I didn't give him all the details but he was very embarrassed and was apologizing to me. I didn't think he needed to apologize or feel bad about it since he was drunk and clearly wasn't thinking straight. He had brought over more alcohol tonight but I told him I didn't want him drinking it after last night and he said he understood. This was after he asked how I felt about him drinking.
We watched a movie and he was a little extra clingy and cuddly during it but I understand that since it's been a while since we have gotten to see each other consistently. I've been away at college nearly 2 hours away in another state and yesterday was the first time in about a month we've seen each other. There was one moment when he tried to pull me to lay/sit on top of him but I told him no and he apologized. Actually proud of myself for being able to say no (I took the advice of some comments and grew a backbone).
My mom told my dad and both of them think it was hilarious. My dad is joking that my boyfriend is finally acting like a real man by making a move on me and both my parents said I need to get used to this if I expect/want to stay in any kind of relationship. My mom also plans to gossip this to her coworkers as a funny story so I don't think I'll ever be able to hangout at my mom's work while on school breaks ever again if she actually tells them about how I freaked out when my drunk boyfriend made an attempt to sleep with me.
So that's where things are now. My boyfriend's not a predator. I definitely think the way I wrote out what happened made it seem that way because of how frazzled I was but he was very apologetic for what he did and said he feels guilty for "sexually assaulting" me, even though I don't see that as what he did/what happened. I know some people were telling me to break up with him, but I really care about him. He's my first kiss, first proper relationship, we're highschool sweethearts (he's still in highschool though lol) and he's also one of my only real friends. I don't want to throw that all away because of him acting stupid while under the influence.
I guess the positive to this whole situation is I 100% know I'm definitely aroace and sex repulsed if it's not for reproduction, and that my boyfriend now knows he gets drunk very quickly even on just a little bit of alcohol.
https://redd.it/1pm6o6b
@asexualityonreddit
So early today I had made a post about how my boyfriend got drunk and basically made moves to try and sleep with me which were unsuccessful.
He came over tonight and he had no memory of the previous night. All he remembered was vaguely cuddling on top of me. I didn't give him all the details but he was very embarrassed and was apologizing to me. I didn't think he needed to apologize or feel bad about it since he was drunk and clearly wasn't thinking straight. He had brought over more alcohol tonight but I told him I didn't want him drinking it after last night and he said he understood. This was after he asked how I felt about him drinking.
We watched a movie and he was a little extra clingy and cuddly during it but I understand that since it's been a while since we have gotten to see each other consistently. I've been away at college nearly 2 hours away in another state and yesterday was the first time in about a month we've seen each other. There was one moment when he tried to pull me to lay/sit on top of him but I told him no and he apologized. Actually proud of myself for being able to say no (I took the advice of some comments and grew a backbone).
My mom told my dad and both of them think it was hilarious. My dad is joking that my boyfriend is finally acting like a real man by making a move on me and both my parents said I need to get used to this if I expect/want to stay in any kind of relationship. My mom also plans to gossip this to her coworkers as a funny story so I don't think I'll ever be able to hangout at my mom's work while on school breaks ever again if she actually tells them about how I freaked out when my drunk boyfriend made an attempt to sleep with me.
So that's where things are now. My boyfriend's not a predator. I definitely think the way I wrote out what happened made it seem that way because of how frazzled I was but he was very apologetic for what he did and said he feels guilty for "sexually assaulting" me, even though I don't see that as what he did/what happened. I know some people were telling me to break up with him, but I really care about him. He's my first kiss, first proper relationship, we're highschool sweethearts (he's still in highschool though lol) and he's also one of my only real friends. I don't want to throw that all away because of him acting stupid while under the influence.
I guess the positive to this whole situation is I 100% know I'm definitely aroace and sex repulsed if it's not for reproduction, and that my boyfriend now knows he gets drunk very quickly even on just a little bit of alcohol.
https://redd.it/1pm6o6b
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Need advice
I (14M) believe i like a girl in my class (16 maybe 17F) but i don't know how to talk to her also I'm not sure if i actually like her or if I'm tricking myself into believing i am because everyone else either likes people or is already dating, I'm a freshman and she is a junior so i am also not sure how acceptable this would be for a relationship, but mainly I'm afraid that if i did ever talk to her i would have no idea of how to tell her I'm Ace especially because i feel like it would be a deal breaker for most people who aren't Ace or don't know about how Ace works.
https://redd.it/1pmat28
@asexualityonreddit
I (14M) believe i like a girl in my class (16 maybe 17F) but i don't know how to talk to her also I'm not sure if i actually like her or if I'm tricking myself into believing i am because everyone else either likes people or is already dating, I'm a freshman and she is a junior so i am also not sure how acceptable this would be for a relationship, but mainly I'm afraid that if i did ever talk to her i would have no idea of how to tell her I'm Ace especially because i feel like it would be a deal breaker for most people who aren't Ace or don't know about how Ace works.
https://redd.it/1pmat28
@asexualityonreddit
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Maybe controversial: But as an asexual who genuinely does not understand sex, reading people being like this makes me terrified of even trying to date other asexual people
https://redd.it/1pm92r9
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https://redd.it/1pm92r9
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What brings you pleasure?
Since many or most of us here may not have sex or masturbate for pleasure, what do you do instead? Do you have anything else that brings you euphoric pleasure? For me, sometimes I get aroused when I travel, and it feels like the meaning of everything. Also, spending time to put together collections or learn about collections.
https://redd.it/1pmdd60
@asexualityonreddit
Since many or most of us here may not have sex or masturbate for pleasure, what do you do instead? Do you have anything else that brings you euphoric pleasure? For me, sometimes I get aroused when I travel, and it feels like the meaning of everything. Also, spending time to put together collections or learn about collections.
https://redd.it/1pmdd60
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yo. so like. garlic bread enjoyers. rate my new profile (it's totally swaggerity swag swaggers and if you say otherwise you're just jealous /j)
https://redd.it/1pm8256
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https://redd.it/1pm8256
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TW: Unwanted sexual thoughts/sensations - I need help dealing with them
For context I'm a 20 yo ace, trans guy (pre-T if relevant)
For the past week or so, I've been having this weird thoughts, physical sensations and just feeling uncomfortably "aware" of my lower body. They're very new to me and IDK how to deal with them. I only have a bit of experience w self-pleasure when I was younger but then I just lost interest in it and haven't tried it in years nor intend to. All things considered I've never felt any genuine "mental" pleasure ever.
I thought maybe I was just really stressed with my finals exams and maybe that was just how my body was reacting or whatever, but even after my exams it's still the same. Maybe even worse. I literally cannot focus on things. My mind keeps thinking of all this nasty stuff and I hate it, that's not me :(
These thoughts don't align with my sexuality either. I'm not paranoid about my being trans or anything, but it's just really upsetting and weird.
I'm looking for advice/tips on how I can deal with this, make it go away. How to deal with such intrusive thoughts and physical discomfort?
https://redd.it/1pmgx2b
@asexualityonreddit
For context I'm a 20 yo ace, trans guy (pre-T if relevant)
For the past week or so, I've been having this weird thoughts, physical sensations and just feeling uncomfortably "aware" of my lower body. They're very new to me and IDK how to deal with them. I only have a bit of experience w self-pleasure when I was younger but then I just lost interest in it and haven't tried it in years nor intend to. All things considered I've never felt any genuine "mental" pleasure ever.
I thought maybe I was just really stressed with my finals exams and maybe that was just how my body was reacting or whatever, but even after my exams it's still the same. Maybe even worse. I literally cannot focus on things. My mind keeps thinking of all this nasty stuff and I hate it, that's not me :(
These thoughts don't align with my sexuality either. I'm not paranoid about my being trans or anything, but it's just really upsetting and weird.
I'm looking for advice/tips on how I can deal with this, make it go away. How to deal with such intrusive thoughts and physical discomfort?
https://redd.it/1pmgx2b
@asexualityonreddit
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