girls (and boys I'd imagine to some extent too), they're incredibly vulnerable and scary situations.
I carried on like this for years up until very recently when I finally started to be honest with myself. I have had crushes before, and just because it wasn't like the movies, doesn't mean I don't know what they are. Currently, it's an uphill battle to dismantle what I've done to my own mind and learn not to be so aggressively dismissive of my real emotions. It's not a weakness to have a crush on a boy, nor is it "cool" to suppress it. I was too young to learn about labels, and crammed myself mercilessly into a box of me and my friends' choosing. We all knew too much before we even knew ourselves.
Boy, I have a lot of work to do. My friends are all under the assumption that I'm asexual, and I still act like it too. I need to take it apart in my own mind before involving them in this mess. A few things I think kids need to look out for if they find themselves in a similar situation online are: 1. being told that they're welcome to "use the label for as long as it feels comfortable." Sure, it sounds nice and harmless, but from my experience the pressure of a label is almost too much to bear for a child. As soon as they start slipping from the label's definition, they crack the whip on themselves to stay in line. For a kid, it's way more about wanting to be asexual vs. actually being asexual, but with so little experience, it's hard to tell the difference. And, 2. this one is pretty specific; it's someone telling them, "C'mon, if you're googling 'Am I Ace?' then you probably are ace. No straight person feels the need to do that." My friends told me that and I believed them; I was happy too, because it made me "different."
There is something to be said about the psychological effects labels can have on someone so young. If I was never made aware of asexuality, I would've likely grown out of my attention-seeking phase much sooner; and wouldn't have forced it on myself. My attraction to boys is subdued now, it's subtle, childish, and embarrassing. I feel years behind where I should be, so I guess the early bloomer has become the late bloomer after all. I still have a lot to learn and am off to college now, I hope to let myself fall in love there.
I guess my message is for kids (particularly girls) in middle school or high school: It is normal to want to be different, it is also normal to want to fit in. It's normal to experience crushes differently, subtly, frequently, or infrequently. I know, it's confusing right? Just relax and be honest with yourself. Maybe you're like me and feel it's embarrassing or a weakness to feel this way towards someone. I know I never enjoyed talking about it. Before I thought I was ace, I always kept those feelings private -- they were nobody's business but my own. And, y'know what? That's normal too.
I have no hate towards asexual or aromantic people. I think you guys are pretty cool and valid. This was simply my experience I wanted to get out there. I no longer identify as asexual or aromantic in any way. Respectfully, I have to go.
https://redd.it/1mprekx
@asexualityonreddit
I carried on like this for years up until very recently when I finally started to be honest with myself. I have had crushes before, and just because it wasn't like the movies, doesn't mean I don't know what they are. Currently, it's an uphill battle to dismantle what I've done to my own mind and learn not to be so aggressively dismissive of my real emotions. It's not a weakness to have a crush on a boy, nor is it "cool" to suppress it. I was too young to learn about labels, and crammed myself mercilessly into a box of me and my friends' choosing. We all knew too much before we even knew ourselves.
Boy, I have a lot of work to do. My friends are all under the assumption that I'm asexual, and I still act like it too. I need to take it apart in my own mind before involving them in this mess. A few things I think kids need to look out for if they find themselves in a similar situation online are: 1. being told that they're welcome to "use the label for as long as it feels comfortable." Sure, it sounds nice and harmless, but from my experience the pressure of a label is almost too much to bear for a child. As soon as they start slipping from the label's definition, they crack the whip on themselves to stay in line. For a kid, it's way more about wanting to be asexual vs. actually being asexual, but with so little experience, it's hard to tell the difference. And, 2. this one is pretty specific; it's someone telling them, "C'mon, if you're googling 'Am I Ace?' then you probably are ace. No straight person feels the need to do that." My friends told me that and I believed them; I was happy too, because it made me "different."
There is something to be said about the psychological effects labels can have on someone so young. If I was never made aware of asexuality, I would've likely grown out of my attention-seeking phase much sooner; and wouldn't have forced it on myself. My attraction to boys is subdued now, it's subtle, childish, and embarrassing. I feel years behind where I should be, so I guess the early bloomer has become the late bloomer after all. I still have a lot to learn and am off to college now, I hope to let myself fall in love there.
I guess my message is for kids (particularly girls) in middle school or high school: It is normal to want to be different, it is also normal to want to fit in. It's normal to experience crushes differently, subtly, frequently, or infrequently. I know, it's confusing right? Just relax and be honest with yourself. Maybe you're like me and feel it's embarrassing or a weakness to feel this way towards someone. I know I never enjoyed talking about it. Before I thought I was ace, I always kept those feelings private -- they were nobody's business but my own. And, y'know what? That's normal too.
I have no hate towards asexual or aromantic people. I think you guys are pretty cool and valid. This was simply my experience I wanted to get out there. I no longer identify as asexual or aromantic in any way. Respectfully, I have to go.
https://redd.it/1mprekx
@asexualityonreddit
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Why does every romance in film have to end with them 'consumating'?
From since the olden days, they'd have a couple have sex at some point in the early development of their relationship. Before they'd 'hint' at it due to censorship, now man butt is just casually thrown in our faces.
I don't mind them talking about it, as it's important to talk about especially when you're young, and also gives us a warning for incoming smashing (a good example of this well done is in Heartstopper; they talked about it so much that I expected to see much more than I did, so I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't make me watch them waltzing their cheeks around).
Thing is, it's not even interesting to heteros. None of my pro-sex friends found sex scenes 'hot and steamy'. Actually, one really good case, was when me and my bff were watching Bridgerton, and we were both squealing over the sexual tension with Anthony and Kate, but then when they had sex it was just meh.
So what's even the point of it then? Everybody, ace or not is always talking about how much they love sexual tension, and it's one of my favorite things to watch on screen. But no one actually cares about the sex scenes, they just watch p*rn if they want. They could literally get away with having a whole season of tension end with the characters telling their friends they f*cked and move on!
Like it's not even for the 'normal people'. I just don't get why they bother. 🤷 What's the point?
https://redd.it/1mprnja
@asexualityonreddit
From since the olden days, they'd have a couple have sex at some point in the early development of their relationship. Before they'd 'hint' at it due to censorship, now man butt is just casually thrown in our faces.
I don't mind them talking about it, as it's important to talk about especially when you're young, and also gives us a warning for incoming smashing (a good example of this well done is in Heartstopper; they talked about it so much that I expected to see much more than I did, so I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't make me watch them waltzing their cheeks around).
Thing is, it's not even interesting to heteros. None of my pro-sex friends found sex scenes 'hot and steamy'. Actually, one really good case, was when me and my bff were watching Bridgerton, and we were both squealing over the sexual tension with Anthony and Kate, but then when they had sex it was just meh.
So what's even the point of it then? Everybody, ace or not is always talking about how much they love sexual tension, and it's one of my favorite things to watch on screen. But no one actually cares about the sex scenes, they just watch p*rn if they want. They could literally get away with having a whole season of tension end with the characters telling their friends they f*cked and move on!
Like it's not even for the 'normal people'. I just don't get why they bother. 🤷 What's the point?
https://redd.it/1mprnja
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Dobby is free?ha
It's been 3 months... 3 full months since my partner of 3.5 years and I broke up. It has been so peaceful to not to be bothered with sex, to not be pestered with this taxing chore. It's like I convinced myself for so long that I must have sex and it wasn't optional. I was too afraid to admit that I didn't care for sex like other people do. Sex felt cumbersome and overstimulating. I was so scared for everything to fall apart and when it did, it was like trying to pick up quicksand. Pointless. I could cry of how free I feel and I did have a wonderful partner, but I never realized how heavy of a burden this was. We just weren't compatible in that way. I will always love her and I'll always love me. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Dobby is free 🥹
https://redd.it/1mppfbl
@asexualityonreddit
It's been 3 months... 3 full months since my partner of 3.5 years and I broke up. It has been so peaceful to not to be bothered with sex, to not be pestered with this taxing chore. It's like I convinced myself for so long that I must have sex and it wasn't optional. I was too afraid to admit that I didn't care for sex like other people do. Sex felt cumbersome and overstimulating. I was so scared for everything to fall apart and when it did, it was like trying to pick up quicksand. Pointless. I could cry of how free I feel and I did have a wonderful partner, but I never realized how heavy of a burden this was. We just weren't compatible in that way. I will always love her and I'll always love me. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Dobby is free 🥹
https://redd.it/1mppfbl
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Feels like my bf doesn't respect my identity
I told my boyfriend that I'm asexual and it didn't go well.
I made sure to lead with telling him I still love him and want to be with him, but he still accused me of secretly hating him and was very upset. After he calmed down, I explained I'd still be okay with doing things for him, but I'd like to do it way wayyyy less because it makes me anxious, though I still want him to be happy too. I understand it can be a deal-breaker, and told him to be honest with me if it was. He said he understood, and it wasn't a deal-breaker, and he agreed.
Though the past few weeks he's been complaining about the fact that I'm "not normal". He still tries to initiate several times a day and pouts when I turn him down, still saying it's because I don't love him. When I remind him what we talked about, he just says he understands, but then keeps bugging me about it. I don't even know what to do here. We've spent years together and I don't want to lose him, but he's not respecting my identity and it's driving me crazy.
Sorry if this isn't the place to put this, just needed to get it off my chest.
https://redd.it/1mpl4wz
@asexualityonreddit
I told my boyfriend that I'm asexual and it didn't go well.
I made sure to lead with telling him I still love him and want to be with him, but he still accused me of secretly hating him and was very upset. After he calmed down, I explained I'd still be okay with doing things for him, but I'd like to do it way wayyyy less because it makes me anxious, though I still want him to be happy too. I understand it can be a deal-breaker, and told him to be honest with me if it was. He said he understood, and it wasn't a deal-breaker, and he agreed.
Though the past few weeks he's been complaining about the fact that I'm "not normal". He still tries to initiate several times a day and pouts when I turn him down, still saying it's because I don't love him. When I remind him what we talked about, he just says he understands, but then keeps bugging me about it. I don't even know what to do here. We've spent years together and I don't want to lose him, but he's not respecting my identity and it's driving me crazy.
Sorry if this isn't the place to put this, just needed to get it off my chest.
https://redd.it/1mpl4wz
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I believe my asexuality came about because of my assault. That doesn’t make it any less valid.
CW for mentions of rape.
When I, (19M) was a child I was raped violently by a man four times my age. Ever since then I’ve never found anything to do with sex attractive and even have a heavy repulsion to it. I heavily believe my SA is the primary reason for this, and my therapist agrees.
The issue I have is that I see many people claiming that because my asexuality is due to a trauma in my life , it’s somehow less valid. I’ve even seen people say that people like me need to go to therapy and “work through” my asexuality. I’m so tired of it.
I am asexual. How I got there isn’t important. Just because a force in my life got me here doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I’m so grateful that our community exists and that I know there are people like me out there. 💜🤍🩶🖤
https://redd.it/1mpg07o
@asexualityonreddit
CW for mentions of rape.
When I, (19M) was a child I was raped violently by a man four times my age. Ever since then I’ve never found anything to do with sex attractive and even have a heavy repulsion to it. I heavily believe my SA is the primary reason for this, and my therapist agrees.
The issue I have is that I see many people claiming that because my asexuality is due to a trauma in my life , it’s somehow less valid. I’ve even seen people say that people like me need to go to therapy and “work through” my asexuality. I’m so tired of it.
I am asexual. How I got there isn’t important. Just because a force in my life got me here doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I’m so grateful that our community exists and that I know there are people like me out there. 💜🤍🩶🖤
https://redd.it/1mpg07o
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Why did the term allosexual get created as opposed to using "sexual" for them?
Just wondering why it didn't catch to call them sexuals as opposed to allosexual. For comparison, we have theists and atheists. It'd make sense to have sexuals and asexuals
https://redd.it/1mpp72b
@asexualityonreddit
Just wondering why it didn't catch to call them sexuals as opposed to allosexual. For comparison, we have theists and atheists. It'd make sense to have sexuals and asexuals
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Can asexuals watch lesbian porn?
I wanna know bc i have Heard some asexuals like watching porn. So can there be asexuals that like watching lesbian porn even though they dont feel sexual attraction to women?
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@asexualityonreddit
I wanna know bc i have Heard some asexuals like watching porn. So can there be asexuals that like watching lesbian porn even though they dont feel sexual attraction to women?
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Can asexual would want to have sex with the same gender without sexual attraction? If so, how?
Im so sorry for the TMI question. Especially with the last one, i am sorry.
But i have thought abt it for a while.
Can an asexual prefer of wanting to have sex with the same gender without being sexually attracted to one?
If so, how?
How can they want to have sex with the same gender if they dont feel sexual attraction to it?
I am curious
https://redd.it/1mq3py4
@asexualityonreddit
Im so sorry for the TMI question. Especially with the last one, i am sorry.
But i have thought abt it for a while.
Can an asexual prefer of wanting to have sex with the same gender without being sexually attracted to one?
If so, how?
How can they want to have sex with the same gender if they dont feel sexual attraction to it?
I am curious
https://redd.it/1mq3py4
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My experience
I don't know if anyone will relate to this, but basically, whenever I have sex, be it with any gender, even if I like kissing, cuddling, and even giving foreplay, I personally don't enjoy doing or even receiving sexual gratification in any other way. What I do like however, is seeing, and especially hearing, my partner get pleasure from doing it with me. Does anyone relate ?
https://redd.it/1mq3i2k
@asexualityonreddit
I don't know if anyone will relate to this, but basically, whenever I have sex, be it with any gender, even if I like kissing, cuddling, and even giving foreplay, I personally don't enjoy doing or even receiving sexual gratification in any other way. What I do like however, is seeing, and especially hearing, my partner get pleasure from doing it with me. Does anyone relate ?
https://redd.it/1mq3i2k
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Just a reminder for everyone, you’re valid 🫶
Got into an argument today about the definition of asexuality. I just wanted to remind everyone that even if you’re not sex repulsed, you’re still asexual and valid. Don’t let anyone, especially anyone on Reddit, to tell you differently.
https://redd.it/1mq8mwo
@asexualityonreddit
Got into an argument today about the definition of asexuality. I just wanted to remind everyone that even if you’re not sex repulsed, you’re still asexual and valid. Don’t let anyone, especially anyone on Reddit, to tell you differently.
https://redd.it/1mq8mwo
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Ironically, I’ve never been part of a sub that mentions sex so much
I really wish there was an “ask an ace” sub or something like it, where people who really love answering constant questions about “am I ace if I like sex?” “Is my girlfriend ace?” “I’m hypersexual and I am dating an asexual - what should I do?” Etc
I know this makes me incredibly grumpy and old, but I know I’m ace, I embrace my sexuality or lack of, I’m proud and fiercely protective of the ace community, I like the fact that I can view the world without the sex tinted glasses!
I’m not sex repulsed, I just find it sooooo boring, and frankly a bit sad that people place so much importance on one aspect of a relationship. I just wish conversation here wasn’t based on the one thing that the majority of us aren’t overly bothered about, like all of the time!
Yes, I’ve already said, I’m old and grumpy. Can we talk about something else? Pleeeeeease? Just for one day?
Let the down voting commence!
https://redd.it/1mqarol
@asexualityonreddit
I really wish there was an “ask an ace” sub or something like it, where people who really love answering constant questions about “am I ace if I like sex?” “Is my girlfriend ace?” “I’m hypersexual and I am dating an asexual - what should I do?” Etc
I know this makes me incredibly grumpy and old, but I know I’m ace, I embrace my sexuality or lack of, I’m proud and fiercely protective of the ace community, I like the fact that I can view the world without the sex tinted glasses!
I’m not sex repulsed, I just find it sooooo boring, and frankly a bit sad that people place so much importance on one aspect of a relationship. I just wish conversation here wasn’t based on the one thing that the majority of us aren’t overly bothered about, like all of the time!
Yes, I’ve already said, I’m old and grumpy. Can we talk about something else? Pleeeeeease? Just for one day?
Let the down voting commence!
https://redd.it/1mqarol
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No one cares about maintaining friendships
This might be more of an aroace issue, but as someone who needs to have a couple of friends around to feel like a human being, I'm so fucking tired of people who don't want to put in the effort. I feel like a lot of allo people don't view friendships as relationships, or if they do, they view them as something lesser. Like, bitch, you still have to text back. You have to schedule time to hang out and maybe get each other little gifts all the same.
I have gotten coffee with so many people. I have joined interest groups (and quickly exited them because ✨some men love being creeps✨), and sat there just hoping for a text back. Whenever I try to throw some kind of house party or do any kind of event, half the people flake. This shit makes me want to stay home and self-isolate so bad even though I know that's a terrible idea. Sometimes it just feels like I can't even go anywhere because I'm not coupled up. Traveling outside my city just isn't feasible for me because it's expensive solo and not exactly safe.
Even the people who do seem to want to put in the effort usually stop when they get into relationships. It's like, cool, I'm happy for you and all, but damn. It sucks to know that something so important to me is the last priority for literally everyone else. I don't even have the fall back of being friends with my exes like a lot of the queer people I know seem do. I literally don't understand how I'm supposed to find friends, let alone any kind of QPR, under these conditions.
My quest for friendship did let me join a knitting club that was mostly just old ladies for a bit though (listen, I was just hoping I could meet other queer girls who like yarn, idk), 10/10. Felt slightly less insane and got decades of concentrated gossip.
https://redd.it/1mqa5w9
@asexualityonreddit
This might be more of an aroace issue, but as someone who needs to have a couple of friends around to feel like a human being, I'm so fucking tired of people who don't want to put in the effort. I feel like a lot of allo people don't view friendships as relationships, or if they do, they view them as something lesser. Like, bitch, you still have to text back. You have to schedule time to hang out and maybe get each other little gifts all the same.
I have gotten coffee with so many people. I have joined interest groups (and quickly exited them because ✨some men love being creeps✨), and sat there just hoping for a text back. Whenever I try to throw some kind of house party or do any kind of event, half the people flake. This shit makes me want to stay home and self-isolate so bad even though I know that's a terrible idea. Sometimes it just feels like I can't even go anywhere because I'm not coupled up. Traveling outside my city just isn't feasible for me because it's expensive solo and not exactly safe.
Even the people who do seem to want to put in the effort usually stop when they get into relationships. It's like, cool, I'm happy for you and all, but damn. It sucks to know that something so important to me is the last priority for literally everyone else. I don't even have the fall back of being friends with my exes like a lot of the queer people I know seem do. I literally don't understand how I'm supposed to find friends, let alone any kind of QPR, under these conditions.
My quest for friendship did let me join a knitting club that was mostly just old ladies for a bit though (listen, I was just hoping I could meet other queer girls who like yarn, idk), 10/10. Felt slightly less insane and got decades of concentrated gossip.
https://redd.it/1mqa5w9
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How do I tell if it's genophobia or asexuality
Ever since I heard about the concept of sex I thought of it as gross and I would even have intense nightmares about sex and "sexy" things as a preteen. My parents told me it would most likely change with time but boy were they wrong! Once I got to high school my friend group thought I was weird for not wanting to be sexually active like the "cool kids" and making excuses not to hit on that hot girl in my class (they pressured me into making a move so I fumbled on purpose). As a teen I heard of other like-minded people on the internet (Asexuals!) but just recently I've also heard that fear of sex is also classified as genophobia, which google says is a problem that needs to be treated, but idk what the qualifications are for both. I know I'm afraid of sex but I didn't know it wasn't normal to be that way.
https://redd.it/1mqdq4o
@asexualityonreddit
Ever since I heard about the concept of sex I thought of it as gross and I would even have intense nightmares about sex and "sexy" things as a preteen. My parents told me it would most likely change with time but boy were they wrong! Once I got to high school my friend group thought I was weird for not wanting to be sexually active like the "cool kids" and making excuses not to hit on that hot girl in my class (they pressured me into making a move so I fumbled on purpose). As a teen I heard of other like-minded people on the internet (Asexuals!) but just recently I've also heard that fear of sex is also classified as genophobia, which google says is a problem that needs to be treated, but idk what the qualifications are for both. I know I'm afraid of sex but I didn't know it wasn't normal to be that way.
https://redd.it/1mqdq4o
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Do any of you read spicy content?
Just curious what people have to say. I (27, afab nonbinary) was always drawn to written media. When I was a teen, I never really liked people, I just got lost on Ao3 or similar pages. It was mostly fanfic of franchises I enjoyed, and I always knew it’s just fiction, read and carried on with my day.
Back then, ofc I gatekept that, well who should I have told anyways? By now, I kinda grew out of that, but it‘s still my favourite kind of media if I ever feel like I want to dip my toes in the still waters of what I suspect to be Demi/Aegosexuality.
https://redd.it/1mq6j60
@asexualityonreddit
Just curious what people have to say. I (27, afab nonbinary) was always drawn to written media. When I was a teen, I never really liked people, I just got lost on Ao3 or similar pages. It was mostly fanfic of franchises I enjoyed, and I always knew it’s just fiction, read and carried on with my day.
Back then, ofc I gatekept that, well who should I have told anyways? By now, I kinda grew out of that, but it‘s still my favourite kind of media if I ever feel like I want to dip my toes in the still waters of what I suspect to be Demi/Aegosexuality.
https://redd.it/1mq6j60
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