Does it feel weird explaining being asexual but still wanting a relationship?
Sometimes it’s hard to explain to people but also hard to say. The fact that I still want someone to care about who cares about me, hold hands, kiss, be home and live together, be there for eachother but no sex.
Also always weird when people respond with “well since you won’t have sex gender shouldn’t matter either.” I’m a guy who still wants a girlfriend and maybe someday a wife.
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Sometimes it’s hard to explain to people but also hard to say. The fact that I still want someone to care about who cares about me, hold hands, kiss, be home and live together, be there for eachother but no sex.
Also always weird when people respond with “well since you won’t have sex gender shouldn’t matter either.” I’m a guy who still wants a girlfriend and maybe someday a wife.
https://redd.it/1eneinc
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Forcing myself to watch porn to "get over my fear"
I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
https://redd.it/1endd6s
@asexualityonreddit
I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
https://redd.it/1endd6s
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Any other graysexuals here as well?
I felt lost for a long time because I wanted to participate in certain sexual activities but others were a hard pass. It was making me so confused. Am I overthinking it? Am I just heterosexual? As I got older I realized that I don't understand other people's obsession with it, find sex jokes and tv/music portrayals uncomfortable, feel the desire to engage in just the specific sexual activities and even then it's just very sporadic and a huge portion of time I'm content with emotional intimacy, hugs kisses and cuddles. I wish more people knew about asexuality and viewed it as people having different perspectives, rather than this hostile attitude I'm coming across frequently. I also feel like there's a huge problem when it comes to people understanding consent. So if you're a grayace too, what has been your journey?
https://redd.it/1enge0d
@asexualityonreddit
I felt lost for a long time because I wanted to participate in certain sexual activities but others were a hard pass. It was making me so confused. Am I overthinking it? Am I just heterosexual? As I got older I realized that I don't understand other people's obsession with it, find sex jokes and tv/music portrayals uncomfortable, feel the desire to engage in just the specific sexual activities and even then it's just very sporadic and a huge portion of time I'm content with emotional intimacy, hugs kisses and cuddles. I wish more people knew about asexuality and viewed it as people having different perspectives, rather than this hostile attitude I'm coming across frequently. I also feel like there's a huge problem when it comes to people understanding consent. So if you're a grayace too, what has been your journey?
https://redd.it/1enge0d
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How I told my therapist and it all clicked
Hello everyone I wanted to tell my experience, how I found out about my sexuality and what led to me finally telling my therapist. I’m a 26 male
Ever since I can remember I never found sex to be enjoyable or desirable at all. When I hit puberty and started finding girls attractive that was all there was to it. I would look and see all these beautiful and pretty girls around me and never did I have the dearies to be sexually with them. It didn’t hit me until about 2 weeks ago what sexual attraction even was or constituted of.
When I look at someone that I find attractive then that’s all I see. I don’t look or think about them in a sexually way what so ever. If anything that feeling and thought kinda gives me the jitters and creeps me out. I don’t know why but sometimes when I see some who’s super attractive it’s almost like I can’t view or think about them in a sexual way without cringing and becoming uncomfortable.
Now this has held me back and affected me in building and finding a romantic partner. I definitely don’t have a problem attracting and being able to get with girls. The problem is I don’t want too or will avoid the topic of sex all together. When it’s been about a month and I still haven’t brought it up or talked about it to them then they ghost me and move on.
It never clicked with me that this was completely normal and that I was the one being weird and standoffish. All these feelings and things were with me forever and I just acted like how I thought people wanted to be treated.
Today I was sitting with my therapist taking about people pleasing and how I will just conform to whatever opinion of others. I don’t know why but this made me think about the problem I have with romantic relationships and being a “kiss ass”. I brought it up to my therapist and we talked about how communication is key in relationships and assuming is never the best option. That’s when I told her about how I feel about sex and how it affects me.
She was actually very receptive and didn’t even hesitate to talk about the topic. She was very calming and understanding of what I was saying. To say I was shocked would be an understatement because I never would have guessed that she would have been this supportive and happy to help me. She suggested that I be upfront about this within the first few dates and tell any potential partners how I feel and what’s to expect.
She said don’t word it like “I don’t wanna have sex” she suggested that i say “I identify as asexual and that if that’s something they are interested in” you aren’t saying “you don’t want to have sex with them but maybe other people”. You are being upfront that you don’t want to participate in sex at all and that if they find interest and that’s something they can deal with.
It feels like such a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel so much better. I’m shocked at how great and amazing my therapist reacted. She mentioned that I’m finally finding my identity and creating a voice for myself. I’m finally speaking up and voicing my needs and feelings. It’s something I have struggled with for years.
Thank you to anyone who read this. I hope you all have a great and amazing journey ahead. I hope everyone can eventually find happiness and peace with whatever they are chasing. I think that you shouldn’t settle for less than what you are willing to put up with. Everyone should have a voice to say what they want and need.
https://redd.it/1eni76r
@asexualityonreddit
Hello everyone I wanted to tell my experience, how I found out about my sexuality and what led to me finally telling my therapist. I’m a 26 male
Ever since I can remember I never found sex to be enjoyable or desirable at all. When I hit puberty and started finding girls attractive that was all there was to it. I would look and see all these beautiful and pretty girls around me and never did I have the dearies to be sexually with them. It didn’t hit me until about 2 weeks ago what sexual attraction even was or constituted of.
When I look at someone that I find attractive then that’s all I see. I don’t look or think about them in a sexually way what so ever. If anything that feeling and thought kinda gives me the jitters and creeps me out. I don’t know why but sometimes when I see some who’s super attractive it’s almost like I can’t view or think about them in a sexual way without cringing and becoming uncomfortable.
Now this has held me back and affected me in building and finding a romantic partner. I definitely don’t have a problem attracting and being able to get with girls. The problem is I don’t want too or will avoid the topic of sex all together. When it’s been about a month and I still haven’t brought it up or talked about it to them then they ghost me and move on.
It never clicked with me that this was completely normal and that I was the one being weird and standoffish. All these feelings and things were with me forever and I just acted like how I thought people wanted to be treated.
Today I was sitting with my therapist taking about people pleasing and how I will just conform to whatever opinion of others. I don’t know why but this made me think about the problem I have with romantic relationships and being a “kiss ass”. I brought it up to my therapist and we talked about how communication is key in relationships and assuming is never the best option. That’s when I told her about how I feel about sex and how it affects me.
She was actually very receptive and didn’t even hesitate to talk about the topic. She was very calming and understanding of what I was saying. To say I was shocked would be an understatement because I never would have guessed that she would have been this supportive and happy to help me. She suggested that I be upfront about this within the first few dates and tell any potential partners how I feel and what’s to expect.
She said don’t word it like “I don’t wanna have sex” she suggested that i say “I identify as asexual and that if that’s something they are interested in” you aren’t saying “you don’t want to have sex with them but maybe other people”. You are being upfront that you don’t want to participate in sex at all and that if they find interest and that’s something they can deal with.
It feels like such a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel so much better. I’m shocked at how great and amazing my therapist reacted. She mentioned that I’m finally finding my identity and creating a voice for myself. I’m finally speaking up and voicing my needs and feelings. It’s something I have struggled with for years.
Thank you to anyone who read this. I hope you all have a great and amazing journey ahead. I hope everyone can eventually find happiness and peace with whatever they are chasing. I think that you shouldn’t settle for less than what you are willing to put up with. Everyone should have a voice to say what they want and need.
https://redd.it/1eni76r
@asexualityonreddit
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How can I ask my bf if he is asexual?
I (47f) suspect that my boyfriend (50m) may be asexual and want to know how best to ask him this question without offending him. He is so amazing and we connect on many levels, but I feel like we are having a hard time consistently connecting on a sexual level and just don’t understand why. We are discussing marriage, but I feel nervous commit to someone when I feel there is a disconnection, without any understanding as to why we can connect on every other level so well, but not this one. In case you’re wondering, we have been together 5 months, so it is a newer relationship, but we both feel like we had found our life partner the instant we met.
Out of respect for his privacy, I don’t want to go into too many details. We have had discussions about how I wish we would have more sex than we do, but those conversations never end well, and it ends with him feeling like he’s not enough for me. I really don’t want to shame him or make him feel bad, I just want to understand why I’m feeling like he doesn’t want/enjoy sex with me, when to me it is such a beautiful expression of love and a powerful way to connect, and well, it just feels great. So It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around why someone wouldn’t want more of that.
Honestly, I don’t think he has ever considered the idea of being asexual. But so many stories he has told me of previous encounters include a woman wanting to have sex with him, and him turning them down. So I know it’s not just me that he doesn’t want to have sex with. Anyway, my point is that this may have never crossed his mind, so it may be a shocking question to him, and again he may feel attacked if I bring it up, which is the last thing I want to happen. How can I bring this up in a way that he is able to ask himself how he feels, without pressure of letting me down? I know it’s such a delicate topic and I don’t want to do this in a way that he just blows it off without considering the idea, or with him getting defensive and thinking he’s not enough. Please help.
https://redd.it/1enimnf
@asexualityonreddit
I (47f) suspect that my boyfriend (50m) may be asexual and want to know how best to ask him this question without offending him. He is so amazing and we connect on many levels, but I feel like we are having a hard time consistently connecting on a sexual level and just don’t understand why. We are discussing marriage, but I feel nervous commit to someone when I feel there is a disconnection, without any understanding as to why we can connect on every other level so well, but not this one. In case you’re wondering, we have been together 5 months, so it is a newer relationship, but we both feel like we had found our life partner the instant we met.
Out of respect for his privacy, I don’t want to go into too many details. We have had discussions about how I wish we would have more sex than we do, but those conversations never end well, and it ends with him feeling like he’s not enough for me. I really don’t want to shame him or make him feel bad, I just want to understand why I’m feeling like he doesn’t want/enjoy sex with me, when to me it is such a beautiful expression of love and a powerful way to connect, and well, it just feels great. So It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around why someone wouldn’t want more of that.
Honestly, I don’t think he has ever considered the idea of being asexual. But so many stories he has told me of previous encounters include a woman wanting to have sex with him, and him turning them down. So I know it’s not just me that he doesn’t want to have sex with. Anyway, my point is that this may have never crossed his mind, so it may be a shocking question to him, and again he may feel attacked if I bring it up, which is the last thing I want to happen. How can I bring this up in a way that he is able to ask himself how he feels, without pressure of letting me down? I know it’s such a delicate topic and I don’t want to do this in a way that he just blows it off without considering the idea, or with him getting defensive and thinking he’s not enough. Please help.
https://redd.it/1enimnf
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Forcing myself to watch porn to "get over my fear"
I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
Edit: I've tried books. They hurt too. Especially since they're first person perspective. Even romance without spice is incredibly repulsive. Btw accidentally deleted the post while trying to edit so this is a reupload
https://redd.it/1enk2i3
@asexualityonreddit
I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
Edit: I've tried books. They hurt too. Especially since they're first person perspective. Even romance without spice is incredibly repulsive. Btw accidentally deleted the post while trying to edit so this is a reupload
https://redd.it/1enk2i3
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Non-aces dating asexuals and “sexual incompatibility”
Flaired for potential aphobia.
One thing I’ve commonly noticed when an asexual (or possible asexual) asks for relationship advice on being with a non-ace partner, is that people will judge the asexual partner and treat them like a burden for “not being able to sexually please” their partner. Sometimes they will even tell them that their relationship is doomed and will die because of the lack of sex for the non-ace partner.
I won’t lie, this makes me feel self conscious because I have spent ages questioning if I am asexual/under the ace umbrella. At the very least my sex drive is extremely low. Meanwhile, my partner is definitely not asexual, but still has made it clear that he loves and respects me regardless of how I feel in terms of sexual attraction. We’ve had many conversations about it and overall we are both happy together and have a lot of good times. Even then, I still can’t help but feel guilty. I have always felt guilty about not having a “normal” sex drive.
https://redd.it/1enp2ca
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Flaired for potential aphobia.
One thing I’ve commonly noticed when an asexual (or possible asexual) asks for relationship advice on being with a non-ace partner, is that people will judge the asexual partner and treat them like a burden for “not being able to sexually please” their partner. Sometimes they will even tell them that their relationship is doomed and will die because of the lack of sex for the non-ace partner.
I won’t lie, this makes me feel self conscious because I have spent ages questioning if I am asexual/under the ace umbrella. At the very least my sex drive is extremely low. Meanwhile, my partner is definitely not asexual, but still has made it clear that he loves and respects me regardless of how I feel in terms of sexual attraction. We’ve had many conversations about it and overall we are both happy together and have a lot of good times. Even then, I still can’t help but feel guilty. I have always felt guilty about not having a “normal” sex drive.
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Aces cannot be Vampires, Dang...
I just realized. We love garlic. This makes me sad. Can't be a vampire. An Ace Vampire would have been cool. Oh well...
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I just realized. We love garlic. This makes me sad. Can't be a vampire. An Ace Vampire would have been cool. Oh well...
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Age where abstinent romance becomes highly unusual?
I went to a religious high school, so I imagined that abstinence was much more common than it actually is. In college, I knew that many people had sex, but attributed that to recklessness/fooling around, much like underage drinking or getting high. It's not unusual to refrain from those things. In grad school, my peers just didn't talk much about it.
I realize that for 13 year olds, being in a romance probably doesn't imply sexual activity, but for 30 year olds, it does, to the point that it can be considered unfair to ask a romantic partner to be abstinent.
My question is: at around what age does it go from "It's not surprising if you do, it's not surprising if you don't" to "It's surprising (and possibly misleading) to be romantically involved, but abstinent"?
https://redd.it/1enuocb
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I went to a religious high school, so I imagined that abstinence was much more common than it actually is. In college, I knew that many people had sex, but attributed that to recklessness/fooling around, much like underage drinking or getting high. It's not unusual to refrain from those things. In grad school, my peers just didn't talk much about it.
I realize that for 13 year olds, being in a romance probably doesn't imply sexual activity, but for 30 year olds, it does, to the point that it can be considered unfair to ask a romantic partner to be abstinent.
My question is: at around what age does it go from "It's not surprising if you do, it's not surprising if you don't" to "It's surprising (and possibly misleading) to be romantically involved, but abstinent"?
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Dude, you being cute won't make me fall for you, it doesn't work like this
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ASEXUALS MAKING SEX JOKES
WE NEED MORE ASEXUALS THAT MAKE A LOT OF SEX JOKES IN MEDIA
I GET THAT THERE ARE ASEXUALS THAT HATE SEX JOKES
BUT PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO ARE SEX-AVERSED YET LOVE SEX JOKES ALSO WANT OUR REPRESENTATION LMAO
https://redd.it/1eo28r9
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WE NEED MORE ASEXUALS THAT MAKE A LOT OF SEX JOKES IN MEDIA
I GET THAT THERE ARE ASEXUALS THAT HATE SEX JOKES
BUT PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO ARE SEX-AVERSED YET LOVE SEX JOKES ALSO WANT OUR REPRESENTATION LMAO
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