Some guy keeps sending us emails asking how to extract the Lockbit ransomware builder.

He said he's tried "infected", but it's not working.

He said it is incredibly important he gets it working for his research and education (I don't believe him)

wtf my phone is pregnant. the battery is ballooning and swelling up. it also is really warm to the touch

We have concluded the science. It takes 3 ½ thingies of mayonnaise to fill up a Dell Optiplex

Initially I planned on writing peoples names on a piece of paper and placing it on the mayonnaise. However, much to my surprise, 3 ½ thingies of mayonnaise leaves a horrific, nearly suffocating, stench of mayonnaise. My entire home stinks of mayonnaise.

During the experiment I, of course, planned accordingly. To ensure no mayonnaise contaminated me I stripped into my undies and used disposable rubber gloves to carefully manipulate the mayonnaise.

As mayonnaise jar thingie 3 was completed, as I was moving to the 4th jar, my wife woke from her slumber. She exited the bedroom and asked why the house stinks of mayonnaise.

She arrived in the living room to see me in my underwear, wearing rubber gloves, filling a computer with mayonnaise. She looked at me, with confusion and frustration in her eyes, and said, "Are you fuckin' serious right now? The whole house stinks like mayonnaise. I had a long day with the baby and I'd like to get some quality sleep for once"

I apologized.

She then angrily walked back to the bedroom and said, "Jesus Christ men are so damn dumb. It's like I'm living with 2 babies" and slammed the door.

Chat, we cookin' fr. Haters gonna hate

Interestingly, there is no research present discussing the amount of mayonnaise which can possess a Lenovo Chromebook

More interestingly, I now possess a fully functional Lenovo Chromebook and mayonnaise

bRo uR sO WeIrD wHy DiD u FiLL a WoRkInG Pc WitH MayO

I've got over 40TB of malware next to me. 164GB of cat pictures. Yeah, I know I'm weird. But we're here together so please accept this cat picture.

This is a random picture from the cat picture collection. Whoever took his picture needs to clean the damn carpet, holy cow

Every Linux account on Xitter just yaps about text editors and shit. God forbid they discuss something interesting

The classics:

>Something something rm -rf /
>Yap Yap yap vim
>I use arch btw
>Systemd sucks
>It's open source!!! (never looked at it)
>I hate windows!!!!!!
>Hehe NETCAT hehe

I like Windows so much more than Linux, unironically. Not because of usability, or privacy, or security, but because Windows is a giant stinky sloppy pile of shit that you can spend an eternity reverse engineering, poking with a stick, or covering with mayonnaise.

Saw some posts today about "Cyber Mayonnaise" and discussions on why I filled a computer with mayonnaise.

Because dozens upon dozens of people have very sincerely asked "Why?" I'll explain.

I saw people online discussing building their own computer and people seeking advice for first time computer builders. Some of the questions people asked about thermal paste seemed kind of silly, but they were noobs — we've all been there.

Anyway, I imagined this absurd scenario where someone who is a noob doesn't understand thermal paste is an actual product and instead they decided to place mayonnaise on the CPU. I kept discussing the absurdity of the situation with some friends. Eventually, I decided to act upon this absurd scenario and do it myself as a joke. I also included some family members into the gag because everyone likes destroying stuff.

Anyway, the idea of applying mayonnaise as thermal paste is absurd. But, as time progressed, this absurdist idea became even more hyberbolic and it evolved into:

"What if someone was a noob... and thought to cool the computer they had to fill the computer with thermal paste, but they didn't know it was an actual product so instead they fill the computer with mayonnaise?"

Then I did it... just because of the absolute absurdity of it. There is no real rhyme or reason — just a really silly idea.

In summary: doing computer stuff is supposed to be fun. I like malware stuff because I think it's fun. I thought doing this stupid mayonnaise thing would be fun (it was). Its clear many of you understood the absurdism behind and rolled with the joke. My family has a lot of fun doing it too. We traveled to a really sketchy pawn shop, loaded up a shopping cart with mayonnaise, and used lots of self-deprecating humor.

tl;dr if youre not having fun on the internet wtf r u doing

You nerds ever sit around with your friends and somehow end up discussing some weird bullshit hypothetical situation? Pretty much that but turned it into reality

There was a person in Texas, a 25-year-old Mr. Derrick Barnum, who was producing CSAM of a 3-year-old girl. Mr. Barnum subsequently shared the videos and photos online. In some cases Mr. Barnum livestreamed the abuse for others to watch in real time.

Because of this, FBI Houston's PROJECT SAFE CHILDHOOD decided to give him a visit.

The extent of the abuse described is absolutely horrific. It is gut wrenching. We won't discuss it.

Mr. Barnum, after being apprehended, plead guilty in court to the Honorable Judge Ewing Werlein Jr. in hopes of being shown mercy.

During the court proceedings Mr. Barnum's mother wrote the judge a letter as well. She admits her son has done terrible, unforgivable things, but prays Judge Werlein gives him a second chance and shows mercy. She notes her son Mr. Barnum is attending church services while in jail. She also notes he is going to therapy. She writes she believes her son can be reformed.

The Honorable Werlein decided to show Mr. Barnum mercy by sentencing him to the maximum sentencing allowed in the state of Texas for his crimes — 60 years without the possibility of parole. Judge Werlein asserts Mr. Barnum showed the child no mercy. Why should he be shown mercy?

Judge Werlein then gifted Mr. Barnum a very luxurious stay at USP Beaumont. Beaumont, a maximum security prison, is nicknamed "Bloody Beaumont" due the dangerous inmates housed there. Mr. Barnum will have the opportunity to meet with lovely people such as:

- High profile MS-13 gang members tied to the Los Zetas Cartel in Mexico
- Members of Aryan White Supremacist Group

Other amenities for Mr. Barnum include:
- 23 hours a day in a concrete room
- 1 hour outside a day in a cage with supervision by guards holding loaded rifles
- Lifetime ban from owning, using, or possessing electronics

Mr. Barnum is not eligible for parole. He is scheduled for release from USP Beaumont in 2085 when he is 85 years old. All his friends and family will be dead. He will spend his 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and half of his 80s locked in a concrete with violent gang members, other sex offenders, and serial killers.

Judge Werlein issued restitution to the victim for the crimes committed to the child. Mr. Barnum is ordered to pay the victim $35,000. However, Judge Werlein has ordered a secondary hearing to determine how much MORE money Mr. Barnum must pay the victim.

Thankfully, USP Beaumont will allow Mr. Barnum the opportunity to make $0.23/hr producing license plates for the state of Texas. Mr. Barnum is required to (at minimum) produce license plates for people in Texas for 152,173 hours. Very cool! Great career opportunities!

Bye, Derrick! See you in 2085 (if you're still alive)

I've been working on this open-source post exploitation tool for a few days now.

I've been stuck on this particular code segment for a few hours. I couldn't figure out what was wrong.

I decided to consult ChatGPT. It identified the issue immediately.

tfw you take a drink from an energy drink then chase it with a huge rip off your vape and you feel your blood pressure go from 120/80 to 240/160