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Hey Unihorse 🦄
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I need to vent
This is a loser’s confession, something I’ve been holding in for a while and it’s going to be a painfully long one. I’m 26M, graduated 3 years ago from computer science and I wanted to share how much of a loser I am. 3 years since graduation and I am barely holding an internship, which I got through my parents’ effort more than mine. I don’t know how to drive a car or generally many of the life skills you expect from an adult at my age. I haven’t grown past a certain time years ago and have been stuck with that level of maturity since then. In school and early semesters of college, my performance was promising enough that most people would have expected me to be living outside this country with a good job, maybe even with a wife by now and a bright future ahead of me. You already know good academic performance doesn’t necessarily translate to good life skills but forget that, even my excellent academic standing didn’t survive past the first year of college. I can’t say anything in my defense but I can explain what happened. There are times I wonder if it ultimately came down to simple laziness and everything else is an excuse but that probably isn’t the case because I know what I felt and thought when I acted the way I did. But the mind sometimes works in mysterious ways so I’m not ruling it out.

It’s a semester in my second year that things turned shit and the timeline took a turn that lead the path to this day. I basically failed almost all of my final exams and my final grades were mostly Cs and some Bs. I have put in some effort in my studies but obviously not enough and that was the case for most students in my batch with some exceptions. Some of the exams required simple memorization but others involved coding and maths, which even if you knew the rules, you’d need enough aptitude/practice to comfortably answer the questions and those were what really hurt at the time. It seemed I wasn’t smart enough. I’ve been insecure about my intelligence and potential since even before I became a teenager. And I was afraid of being ordinary as much as I was afraid of being sub-intelligent. Across school days and early college, I have done well enough to believe I’d soar to where I want, and even if I haven’t scored excellently well on every subject every time, I’d have done well enough to hold on to the illusion that I was special. But the results of that college semester were pure humiliation. Most students across my batch rebounded by the next semester but me, I basically gave up after that and have resorted to wasting my time with escapist distractions. It’s like my fears have been validated and I didn’t want to try any more. Of course, I still managed to put in the effort enough to survive semester after semester but that doesn’t get you anywhere significant. I know how irrational all this sounds. People don’t usually collapse after finding out they’re not special but I have collapsed anyway. I despised my ordinariness so much that I stopped bothering to put the effort in and grow as a person and now, I’m far worse than ordinary. I don’t have any motivation, ambitions, goals or anything to look forward to. I could pretend for a while that I have one and tell them what it is when I’m asked but I don’t care for it. My social life is non-existent. I am neither charismatic nor good looking. I’m not special and I don’t have anything special to give in this world. Anything I might do, countless others could do it just as well or far better. I am painfully redundant. It’s a weird way of putting it but it’s not even just that I don’t have much use for society, I don’t have much use for me if that makes any sense.

#Melancholy #Agitation
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2.58K viewsVent Here Bot, 02:00