The person you perceive yourself to be is different than what everyone else thinks of who you are so there are hundreds of versions of yourself floating around everyone’s heads and none of them are the same as who you really are.
When you think you’re worthless, remember that they have lifeguards at Olympic swimming events.
Jeopardy would be more fun to watch if the contestants talked shit about each others' incorrect answers.
Four-leaf clovers are actually UNLUCKY among clovers because they always get violently plucked when a big killer giant finds them.
People will put genitals in their mouth and eat someone's butthole, but they won't eat the brown part of a banana.
Procrastination is delegating a task to your future self. It's ineffective, because your future self doesn't like to be tasked by someone younger.
Grandmothers always give us a lot of food because when they were young people had to go to bed hungry sometimes.
Too bad they don't discount the morning after pill the day after Valentine's Day they way they do chocolate.
Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it'd be insulting.
There are people in the world who don’t believe in evolution but still get a flu shot every year.
Most of the criminals on Scooby Doo were arrested for far less than the pranks the average Youtuber pulls online.
All your memories and thoughts could have been fabricated and programmed into your brain 5 seconds ago
It would have been really funny if after all of Thanos' hard work, he realized that he didn't know how to actually snap his fingers.
Walking with a child is like escorting an NPC: he always walks too fast or too slow and you keep bumping into him.
Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday. Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 mimutes then leaves
We squint at the sun because it is bright. We squint at people because they are not.