If you're the least attractive person in an orgy, you're at the right orgy

People would be a lot more willing to rate apps if they didn't have to switch apps to do so.

You can't lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.

Phones have gotten so thin and fragile you have to put a case on it to make it thicker and more durable.

Everytime you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

As humans were evolving, the first one to develop a sense of humor must have faced a REALLY tough crowd.

Birthdays would be a lot less celebrated if they were counted down instead of up.

If you're a mother, there's a high probability a kid you've never met has talked shit about you

Paying rent is a monthly subscription to not being homeless.

There’s always at least one outlet that goes unused on the surge protector. Not because it wasn’t needed, but because there’s always that annoyingly massive power supply that covers the neighboring outlet.

In the winter, people say 'Don't drink alcohol to warm up, it actually cools you down.' But in the summer, no one tells you to drink alcohol to cool down.

A good drug dealer will never actually look like a drug dealer.

If all drivers had good judgement, then all stop signs could just be yield signs

Given his power of regeneration, Wolverine has to be uncircumcised

Death is just the date your birth certificate expires

When you get out of school at 3, it felt very late. When you get off work at 3, it feels like you got half your day back.

As far as we know, there hasn't been any life in the universe outside the Earth, and the blue whale is the largest creature to ever roam the planet, so, as far as we know, the blue whale is the largest creature that has ever existed in the history of the universe.

The person you perceive yourself to be is different than what everyone else thinks of who you are so there are hundreds of versions of yourself floating around everyone’s heads and none of them are the same as who you really are.

When you think you’re worthless, remember that they have lifeguards at Olympic swimming events.

Jeopardy would be more fun to watch if the contestants talked shit about each others' incorrect answers.

Four-leaf clovers are actually UNLUCKY among clovers because they always get violently plucked when a big killer giant finds them.