If you're watching Jeopardy! and you're the only one in the room, not saying a correct answer out loud still feels like you got it wrong.
It’s terrifying thinking whether the worst day of your life has already passed... or is yet to come.
Today, using newspapers to blend in the crowd is more suspicious than not using one.
The worst thing about having High-functioning Autism is that you're too weird to be considered normal, but too normal for people to believe you're autistic.
If you're the least attractive person in an orgy, you're at the right orgy
People would be a lot more willing to rate apps if they didn't have to switch apps to do so.
Phones have gotten so thin and fragile you have to put a case on it to make it thicker and more durable.
Everytime you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
As humans were evolving, the first one to develop a sense of humor must have faced a REALLY tough crowd.
Forwarded from Deleted Account
Birthdays would be a lot less celebrated if they were counted down instead of up.
If you're a mother, there's a high probability a kid you've never met has talked shit about you
There’s always at least one outlet that goes unused on the surge protector. Not because it wasn’t needed, but because there’s always that annoyingly massive power supply that covers the neighboring outlet.
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In the winter, people say 'Don't drink alcohol to warm up, it actually cools you down.' But in the summer, no one tells you to drink alcohol to cool down.
If all drivers had good judgement, then all stop signs could just be yield signs
When you get out of school at 3, it felt very late. When you get off work at 3, it feels like you got half your day back.
As far as we know, there hasn't been any life in the universe outside the Earth, and the blue whale is the largest creature to ever roam the planet, so, as far as we know, the blue whale is the largest creature that has ever existed in the history of the universe.