Cellphones would have saved Romeo and Juliet.

It's a good thing farting isn't as contagious as yawning.

If you've tried everything to go to sleep, and something finally works, you won't remember what it was.

A tip is just a bribe traveling backwards in time.

If you're watching Jeopardy! and you're the only one in the room, not saying a correct answer out loud still feels like you got it wrong.

It’s terrifying thinking whether the worst day of your life has already passed... or is yet to come.

Today, using newspapers to blend in the crowd is more suspicious than not using one.

The worst thing about having High-functioning Autism is that you're too weird to be considered normal, but too normal for people to believe you're autistic.

If you're the least attractive person in an orgy, you're at the right orgy

People would be a lot more willing to rate apps if they didn't have to switch apps to do so.

You can't lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.

Phones have gotten so thin and fragile you have to put a case on it to make it thicker and more durable.

Everytime you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

As humans were evolving, the first one to develop a sense of humor must have faced a REALLY tough crowd.

Birthdays would be a lot less celebrated if they were counted down instead of up.

If you're a mother, there's a high probability a kid you've never met has talked shit about you

Paying rent is a monthly subscription to not being homeless.

There’s always at least one outlet that goes unused on the surge protector. Not because it wasn’t needed, but because there’s always that annoyingly massive power supply that covers the neighboring outlet.

In the winter, people say 'Don't drink alcohol to warm up, it actually cools you down.' But in the summer, no one tells you to drink alcohol to cool down.

A good drug dealer will never actually look like a drug dealer.

If all drivers had good judgement, then all stop signs could just be yield signs