Given the amount of porn available, pretty soon Pornhub is gonna have to add a filter for "made after x-date" so kids can avoid running across their parents' videos

Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

Once an actual cure for wrinkles is found, no one is going to believe the marketing.

Police wearing blue and red light up shoes will tell us that they are pursuing someone on foot

The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon.

Mustaches are just mouth brows

To think outside the box is a pretty inside the box suggestion

It’s perfectly acceptable to be rude and blame it on “not having any coffee yet”. But if you were to replace coffee with booze in that excuse it is not acceptable.

Cellphones would have saved Romeo and Juliet.

It's a good thing farting isn't as contagious as yawning.

If you've tried everything to go to sleep, and something finally works, you won't remember what it was.

A tip is just a bribe traveling backwards in time.

If you're watching Jeopardy! and you're the only one in the room, not saying a correct answer out loud still feels like you got it wrong.

It’s terrifying thinking whether the worst day of your life has already passed... or is yet to come.

Today, using newspapers to blend in the crowd is more suspicious than not using one.

The worst thing about having High-functioning Autism is that you're too weird to be considered normal, but too normal for people to believe you're autistic.

If you're the least attractive person in an orgy, you're at the right orgy

People would be a lot more willing to rate apps if they didn't have to switch apps to do so.

You can't lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.

Phones have gotten so thin and fragile you have to put a case on it to make it thicker and more durable.

Everytime you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.