You're not afraid of being alone in the woods, you're afraid of NOT being alone in the woods

There's a sense of relief when you find out that someone is an asshole in general and not just towards you.

The first person to ever copy, was, in fact, very original.

A lot of people must have died so that we could have a wide variety of mushrooms we know are safe to eat.

With the advent of the Internet, we're the first few generations of people who've seen complete strangers have sex way more times than we've seen ourselves.

Iced coffee is delicious but hot coffee gone cold is disgusting.

If it's hot, you feel the breeze. If it's cold, you feel the wind.

Just imagine taking a gorilla and putting it in gorrila costume then and setting it loose in shopping mall

Different genres of music are just different flavors of sound.

“Whoever smelt it dealt it” would be a good rule of thumb for buying high quality armor from the source.

Given the amount of porn available, pretty soon Pornhub is gonna have to add a filter for "made after x-date" so kids can avoid running across their parents' videos

Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

Once an actual cure for wrinkles is found, no one is going to believe the marketing.

Police wearing blue and red light up shoes will tell us that they are pursuing someone on foot

The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon.

Mustaches are just mouth brows

To think outside the box is a pretty inside the box suggestion

It’s perfectly acceptable to be rude and blame it on “not having any coffee yet”. But if you were to replace coffee with booze in that excuse it is not acceptable.

Cellphones would have saved Romeo and Juliet.

It's a good thing farting isn't as contagious as yawning.

If you've tried everything to go to sleep, and something finally works, you won't remember what it was.