Parenting is pretty much stopping them from killing themselves until they are old enough to hate you.
It is very unlikely that anyone has listened to the “everybody clap your hands... one hop this time!” song just to like, listen to it.
Crumbs are barely noticeable until you sleep on them and then it feels like a bunch of tiny Legos
Identical twins could make a ton of money if one purposely got fat while the other got buff. They'd make a killing selling before and after photos for weight loss advertisements.
The actual plot of Infinity War is about a single father trying to end world hunger with his rock collection.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the fact that our internal organs don’t itch
The first time a stripper jumped out of a birthday cake must have been the most legendary bachelor party ever
If you step on a person's foot they open their mouths, just like trash cans.
If some animals knew that we were deathly afraid of them, they would be a lot more powerful.
People rarely wash their belts despite it being the first thing they touch after using the bathroom.
Every house has its own unique smell. Home is where you don’t notice it.
There will never be scientific proof of the supernatural. If science proves that something thought to be supernatural actually exists... it would simply become "natural".
One of the scariest experiences you can have playing sports is losing a ball in the sunlight and knowing it’s coming down somewhere in the vicinity of your face.
Garfield hates Mondays yet has no job. Maybe it's because Jon goes to work on Monday and Garfield hates being alone.
The only good thing about living in Alabama is that it’s the first state in the dropdown when entering your address for things online.
There's something blissful about waking up in bed and checking the time and seeing you have four hours left in bed instead of four minutes
If real animals were Pokémon, kangaroos would just be the evolved form of rabbits.
The only exhausting thing about online shopping is to find a payment method that doesn't require you to get up.
The greatest victory isn't destroying your enemies; it's having them join your side.
A theater could make money off the people who sneak snacks in by opening a store, that sells that stuff, near their theater.