Dreams are basically conversations between your right brain and your left brain, where your right brain tries to convince your left one that something spectacular happened and the left brain repeats all the stuff the right one says in a condescending voice

Squirrels are basically rat hardware running monkey software.

Putting all your eggs in one basket is something birds have been doing for millions of years, and it seems to have worked out okay for them.

I wonder who invented marriage like I'm going to get the government involved so that you can't leave,cos if u think about it its kind of mucked up

Rainforest is no longer people’s first thought when someone mentions Amazon.

People who ask late sleepers when they woke up, really don’t care about the time, but simply want to feel superior because of their more conventional sleep schedule.

The octopus was the result of an evolutionary arms race.

It seems the most disrespectful people insist that respect is to be earned, yet demand it from others unconditionally.

Pac-Man is addicted to pills, Mario is addicted to shrooms, and Sonic is addicted to speed.

If you sat on your own voodoo doll you wouldn’t be able to get up

Sometimes l wonder if people in the 1500s used to masturbate to renaissance paintings.

We really need an app that blocks you from seeing the same video more than a certain amount of times on social media.

So many people are in love, but not together. So many people are together, but aren’t in love.

Water is a beverage whose flavor is its temperature.

If you think about it, birthdays are really satanic rituals about chanting around a flaming object that represents the amount of years taken off your life, upon which the flames are blown out and a knife is stabbed through it.

The average person thinks that the average person is stupid

Buying a Ferrari for normal city driving is like buying a 5k gaming rig to browse the internet

Spongebob’s shoes squeak because they’re always wet.

With so many veterans having PTSD, Memorial Day is probably not the best holiday to celebrate with fireworks.

Statistically, somebody DID die 7 days after watching The Ring

You know you are growing up when you start noticing how horrible your friends are.