Whoever gives the eulogy at Morgan Freeman's funeral is going to have one hell of a job to do.

A werewolf who doesn’t know that they’re a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.

As a kid you wish to be an adult so you can eat whatever you want. As an adult you wish to be a kid so you can eat whatever you want.

The Sun is a supermassive ball of thermonuclear explosions bigger than our entire planet, and we make $3 glasses so it doesn't bother us too much

We think of old music as being better than music from the present because we only remember the songs that were good enough to be remembered, but in the present we see an unfiltered stream of everything being made regardless of if it will be remembered for generations or forgotten quickly.

You’re only afraid of being alone in the dark because you’re afraid you are not alone.

If you think about it, Moses was the first person with a tablet to download data from the cloud.

A hundred years ago, if you told a kid they were getting the switch they'd probably cry. Today if you tell a kid they're getting the Switch, they'd be elated.

If karma was real then a lot of rich people wouldn't be rich.

Reading is just looking at patches of ink and hallucinating

If you think about it, encouraging or pressuring children to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school is really eerie.

Voldemort broke his nose because he may have ran into the wrong wall at the station

If dicks were on our chests, where women could see, and they were constantly erect, women would be looking at them all the time, too.

Being a child prodigy is like starting an RPG and putting all your starting points into a single stat.

If you eat the same thing for breakfast every day, you have a routine. If you eat the same thing for dinner every day, you're lazy and "out of ideas".

If the Matrix is real, they must have been really nervous when we made a movie about it

Shout out to all the Ice Cream Truck Drivers listening to the same 8-bit tunes, dealing with children, and driving around in a beat up van in the heat of the summer.

Helen Keller was immune to flash bangs

Maybe the aliens are waiting for us to go one full day without killing a member of our own species before making contact. It's gonna be a while.

Starting porn videos with 5 seconds of music is the best way to remind you that your volume is turned up

Humans are a really good example of how dangerous an invasive species is for the local environment