Reading a book under a tree seems nice to us, but for a tree it's taunting them with the shredded flesh of their family.

Kids these days will never know the struggle of only being able to store 200 text messages on your phone.

Life would be very different if people had to renew their marriage licenses like they do their drivers licenses.

You know you are in a wealthy area when hearing a car alarm makes you think "some idiot accidentally set off their car alarm" instead of "someone is being robbed"

Scuba diving is equivalent to travelling to another dimension where you can fly, and there are aliens fucking everywhere.

It must be a rare delight for 2 left handed people to shake with their dominant hands

When the robots inevitably take over, we will have to communicate in Captchas to plan our revolt

Maybe the grass seems greener on the other side because you’re not over there fucking it up.

Whoever gives the eulogy at Morgan Freeman's funeral is going to have one hell of a job to do.

A werewolf who doesn’t know that they’re a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.

As a kid you wish to be an adult so you can eat whatever you want. As an adult you wish to be a kid so you can eat whatever you want.

The Sun is a supermassive ball of thermonuclear explosions bigger than our entire planet, and we make $3 glasses so it doesn't bother us too much

We think of old music as being better than music from the present because we only remember the songs that were good enough to be remembered, but in the present we see an unfiltered stream of everything being made regardless of if it will be remembered for generations or forgotten quickly.

You’re only afraid of being alone in the dark because you’re afraid you are not alone.

If you think about it, Moses was the first person with a tablet to download data from the cloud.

A hundred years ago, if you told a kid they were getting the switch they'd probably cry. Today if you tell a kid they're getting the Switch, they'd be elated.

If karma was real then a lot of rich people wouldn't be rich.

Reading is just looking at patches of ink and hallucinating

If you think about it, encouraging or pressuring children to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school is really eerie.

Voldemort broke his nose because he may have ran into the wrong wall at the station

If dicks were on our chests, where women could see, and they were constantly erect, women would be looking at them all the time, too.