The titles of Shakespeare's books are all spoilers for who dies.

If your eyes glowed due to a superpower it would be extremely annoying at nighttime with bugs constantly divebombing your eyes.

Holding back a fart is something only an asshole can do.

Winnie the Pooh made eating honey with your hands straight from the jar look better than it really is.

The reason cat videos are such a staple of the internet is because there's no language barrier. You don't need to know any specific language to understand the video.

Getting better at something is more important than being good at it.

Ice cream has bent more spoons than psychics.

Everything is a puzzle if you're dumb enough.

A part of getting older is seeing all the fat kids from high school become skinny, and all the skinny kids become fat.

Rain doesn’t make a sound until it hits something.

Any stairway is a stairway to heaven if your clumsy enough

We encourage bad behavior by allowing the phrase, "the customer is always right"

Bees are soldiers willing to die for their cause. Wasps are just psychopaths

The reason that people in Sitcoms can afford those awesome houses and apartments is because of all the money they save buying off-brand groceries.

You'd think Satan would be considered a good guy after taking the worst people the world has to offer and torturing them for the rest of eternity.

We have created virtual reality goggles, phone apps, TVs as thick as nickles and are planning to go to Mars before we've updated traffic lights to register there's a driver there late at night.

One of the biggest goals of adulthood is to make enough money to be as carefree as you were when you were a child

You can use a finished game of Scrabble to make a crossword puzzle.

You know your life is dull when your going to sleep because your to bored being awake

It's an atmosphere not an atmosflat.

Sleeping Beauty must have been terrified the first time she went back to sleep.