Once you become the oldest living human, you are guaranteed to keep that title for the rest of your life.

"Stay signed in" is an easier way to forget your password.

What the internet needs more than ever is a sarcasm font.

The best way to keep a population divided on an issue is to keep that issue controversial to talk about. If you can't even talk about it there's no way your going to be able to solve the problem.

The whole salad dressing industry exists because people really just don't like the taste of salad.

Society would be quite different if there was a timer over everyone's head indicating how long it's been since they last masturbated.

Somebody’s therapist probably knows a lot about you

The titles of Shakespeare's books are all spoilers for who dies.

If your eyes glowed due to a superpower it would be extremely annoying at nighttime with bugs constantly divebombing your eyes.

Holding back a fart is something only an asshole can do.

Winnie the Pooh made eating honey with your hands straight from the jar look better than it really is.

The reason cat videos are such a staple of the internet is because there's no language barrier. You don't need to know any specific language to understand the video.

Getting better at something is more important than being good at it.

Ice cream has bent more spoons than psychics.

Everything is a puzzle if you're dumb enough.

A part of getting older is seeing all the fat kids from high school become skinny, and all the skinny kids become fat.

Rain doesn’t make a sound until it hits something.

Any stairway is a stairway to heaven if your clumsy enough

We encourage bad behavior by allowing the phrase, "the customer is always right"

Bees are soldiers willing to die for their cause. Wasps are just psychopaths

The reason that people in Sitcoms can afford those awesome houses and apartments is because of all the money they save buying off-brand groceries.