If a person from the 19th century watched Infinity War, they wouldn't know where Technology ends and Superpower begins.
Every time someone sets a World Record, the world sets a World Record for number of World Records recorded.
Nobody says ‘huh’ quicker than a person that heard exactly what you said
Having your favorite band come visit you in the hospital is a good sign that you're fucked.
Giving up early on something just because you think you’re gonna fail anyways is like killing yourself just because you’re gonna die anyways
Having your own dog is stressful but playing with someone else's dog is amazing. Having your own cat is amazing but playing with someone else's cat is stressful.
People who say "there is no such thing as a stupid question" have never been a parent to a 13-year old.
The first 18 years of life are like a free trial. The rest is a mandatory pay to play subscription
In movies, helicopters usually don’t make a sound until their spotlight is visible.
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“We’re trying for a baby” is the only socially acceptable way of saying you’re dropping as much semen into your significant other as humanly possible
The morning after a relationship ends, you wake up twice: once when you open your eyes, and once when you remember that everything is different now.
You know you're getting old when people stop laughing when you fall down and are instead worried.
Slowing inching your way forward at a red light is the adult equivalent of trying to leave class seconds before the bell rings
The ideal place to be in a zombie apocalypse would be Japan, where over 99% of their dead are cremated.
Logan Paul could have been that man’s murderer and nobody would have suspected him.
Mumble rappers these days are the same people that struggled to read a paragraph out loud in 10th grade.
A lot of people that park like an asshole aren’t actually assholes, they just parked next to an asshole who then left
Forwarded from Redd T
The only way to hide a meaningless tatoo is to have several meaningless tatoos