True love is finding that special person you are comfortable exposing 95% of your true self to, and it doesn't result in catastrophe.
It is so obvious when people around us are flirting with one another, but it is impossible to tell when people are flirting with us.
Having kids is probably a lot like having dogs. Everyone else’s are tidy, smart and well-behaved and you’re just happy yours didn’t shit on the floor today.
Once smart appliances have taken over our homes we'll have to watch ads before we can use the microwave
A Bob Ross/Mr. Rogers crossover episode would have been the most wholesome viewing experience ever
When Japanese people cook something in the microwave, they probably don't say they're gonna "nuke it."
Doing homework is like side quests in video games, you can do all the work and be amazing at the end or skip it and go right to the final boss unprepared
If a person from the 19th century watched Infinity War, they wouldn't know where Technology ends and Superpower begins.
Every time someone sets a World Record, the world sets a World Record for number of World Records recorded.
Nobody says ‘huh’ quicker than a person that heard exactly what you said
Having your favorite band come visit you in the hospital is a good sign that you're fucked.
Giving up early on something just because you think you’re gonna fail anyways is like killing yourself just because you’re gonna die anyways
Having your own dog is stressful but playing with someone else's dog is amazing. Having your own cat is amazing but playing with someone else's cat is stressful.
People who say "there is no such thing as a stupid question" have never been a parent to a 13-year old.
The first 18 years of life are like a free trial. The rest is a mandatory pay to play subscription
In movies, helicopters usually don’t make a sound until their spotlight is visible.
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“We’re trying for a baby” is the only socially acceptable way of saying you’re dropping as much semen into your significant other as humanly possible