When you become a father you simultaneously become a motherfucker.

If a bookmark costs more than a dollar, use a dollar as a bookmark.

If you wake up because of your alarmclock. You did not sleep enough.

We heavily question the damage that is done from marijuana use to an adolescent’s brain, but then romanticize a sport where they run head first into each other and act surprised that it “may” cause damage to the brain.

Spiderman would be very innefective in rural areas.

Gambling addiction hotlines would probably get more traffic if every 8th caller won a cash prize

"Verb" is a noun

Using wormholes to travel in space would be the equivalent of a stick figure learning to do origami to travel across a piece of paper

When you see the characters in a movie using Bing, you know that its a paid ad by Microsoft. But if you see them using Google, you don't even think twice about it.

Now is the best time for a kid to break their arm, because they can draw up their cast to look like the Infinity Gauntlet.

You can weigh yourself before and after your morning shit. The difference determines how full of shit you are.

An "Under New Management" sign is really just a polite way of saying "Those Assholes Are Gone".

Somewhere in the world is a toilet that has been pooped in more than any other toilet in the world.

Music is just wiggly air.

A pet rock is a great pet, until you realized its essentially immortal, and you have dammed it to an eternity of watching loved ones die.

We're lucky that our bodies require sleep, otherwise our cultures would have us working 16-20 hour days.

Since a voice sounds different to its owner, two people with the exact same voice can have a conversation without realizing that they are speaking to their voice twin.

Life would be so easier if shoe manufacturers used earphone wires in place of shoelaces.

There is an uninterrupted tube going from your mouth to your anus. Since your body doesn't completely close it off. Really humans are just like giant donuts with arms and legs. Food never really goes in you it just touches the walls of your inner-donut until you absorb the nutrients.

If you are a recovering alcoholic who doesn't drink, you are admired. If you choose not to drink because you don't like to, people think you are weird.

Those popups that say "please turn off adblock" make people wish for an even more efficient adblock.