When a TV character says another character is funny it's just the show's writer complimenting himself

Dogs may help prepare you for babies, but cats help prepare you for teenagers.

To make mistakes is Human, to blame it on others...that's even more Human

You don't realize how small handwriting can be until you're allowed a 1 page cheat sheet on your final

We have the technology to tell millions of people all across the world what was for dinner but still can't tell the guy one car ahead that his indicator is still on.

If you keep walking north you’ll eventually be walking south, but if you walk east you’ll never walk west.

What if witches who made their own potions are just really professional Chemists

If the phrases "Nothing in life is free" and "The best things in life are free" are both true. Then life really sucks.

The husband of the first female president of the United States will be The First 'First Gentleman of the United States'

Shower thoughts could deny your message and post it as their own and there would be nothing you could do about it.

It's a shame that Wal-Mart isn't a wall selling/building business.

If instead of sending links to "nude pics" Tinder bots just said "omg look at this Spongebob meme" a lot more people would fall for the virus links probably.

It's strange how you go to jail for not paying your tax dollars, yet the jail is paid for with tax dollars.

Life backwards is the story of your mother becoming increasingly protective of you until she becomes so obsessed she absorbs you into her vagina.

We feel superior to animals that will chase a laser pointer light, but if a giant beam of light suddenly appeared on Earth humans would definitely go check it out.

Checking how long there is left of the movie frequently is a big indicator you aren’t enjoying the movie.

Santa Claus is important because it teaches you that the people in charge are capable of lying to you to manipulate your behavior.

Somewhere in the world is a tree exactly your age.

It is pretty awesome that we don't naturally piss and shit while we sleep.

If you waste your time finding a way to be immortal and eventually succeed, you havent wasted your time at all.

One of the most freeing feelings is when the police car behind you finally turns onto a different road.