Collectively, your ancestors have survived two world wars, the Great Plague and twelve extinction level events

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

The "every kid gets a trophy" thing was NOT an attempt to bolster self esteem - it was an attempt to sell more trophies to more people

Hologram advertising is going to be really cool for about a week and then be really annoying for the rest of our lives.

If you manage to live until 113 years old, you become a teenager again.

If Titanic (1997) was made today, it would be a 14-film franchise with 1-2 movies for each of the main & supporting characters (Jack, Rose, Brock, Fabrizio, etc), all leading up to them getting on board the Titanic, and they would've had the ship sinking split up into 2 films.

Millennials are known as the generation where everyone got a trophy for participating, but no one points out the parents that kicked and screamed when their kids didn’t get a trophy.

We all know that the smell of cut grass is a plant hormone indicating distress. Maybe the reason that humans think it smells good is that it indicates an area of heavy grazing and therefore prey.

Theoretically speaking if we had the ability to be invisible we would have been totally blind because all the light just passes through the retina.

If marriage licenses had to be renewed periodically like all other licenses, not only would divorcing be a lot cleaner, but spouses might be discouraged from taking each other for granted.

The best liar you know is not the best liar you know.

In 70 years, there will be a bunch of old black dudes named “T’challa”

If Lord Farquad had picked Snow White, Shrek could have just gone home and gotten her body off his dining room table. End of story.

You know someone is doing a great job acting as a bad guy in a movie when the audience starts cheering as soon as that person dies in the said movie

If your House is haunted, the best way to keep evil spirits at bay would be to put holy water into a humidifier

I gave my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

People ask you what you do for a living so they can calculate the level of respect they have for you.

Judging by how much we stereotype planets in science and in fiction, such as desert planet, ice planet, gas giant- considering that earth is 75% covered in water, and seeing how it seems liquid water is not common on other planets, aliens would look at us and say that we are a water world.

Watching porn is like watching people eat to satisfy your hunger or watching people drink to satisfy your thirst..

Counting from 1 to 10 seems take longer than counting from 10 to 1

Nothing is worse then putting on a fresh pair of socks and stepping in a puddle