As a child you’re told to think outside the box but as an adult, you’re automatically crazy for thinking outside the box.
Humans finding the key to immortality would be like the Earth getting cancer - cells that live forever and don't stop multiplying.
If somebody has a mess but knows where everything is, they're not messy, they're organized, they just don't conform to your definition of organized.
Some ATM's charge you $2 for cash withdrawals then have the audacity to tell you to cover your pin to prevent getting robbed
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If you decide to not have children, you’re the 1st one in a line of ancestors going back 4billion years that chose not to.
Because the Earth is round, running away from something is also running towards it from reeeaaally far away.
Technically, All the money you've spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If people crashing their cars made the news as often as self driving cars crashing, we'd probably want to ban human drivers.
None of the Star Wars planets have different climates in different regions of the planet. It's just like the desert planet, forest planet, ice planet.
Masturbating is really tricking your body into thinking you are succeeding in life.
It would suck to be one of the people who turned 18 the day after the drinking age was raised to 21
If dentists make money off unclean teeth, why would you buy a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend.
For a person with depression, shaving right before you go to your therapist is the equivalent of brushing your teeth right before going to the dentist.
DJ Khaled always records songs that are 90% other singers, then says it’s his song ft. everyone else. He is the celebrity equivalent of the kid who does no work but takes all the credit in a school project.
Lets just thank mother nature, for both pre slicing and pre wrapping oranges.