Forwarded from Deleted Account
Anxiety is like perpetually hearing the Boss/Enemy music but never seeing the Threat.
It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawning is. That would be terrible for everybody,
Dogs can't sweat, they pant So if a dog were to wear sweat pants, they'd be pant pants
Maybe actually plants are the ones farming humans, growing us with oxygen until we die and then being absorbed by them when we are buried.
Paper towel in a microwave is to aluminum foil in an oven as aluminum foil in a microwave is to paper towel in an oven.
The people who take advantage of nice people are the first ones to question them when they are no longer nice.
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Millions of innocent cats have been held up in the air because of Lion King.
Dogs protect humans from other humans. Humans protect dogs from other dogs.
If they'd just print the directions on the sauce packet, we wouldn't have to throw away the Mac & Cheese box four times.
One day sex robots are going to be so advanced they might just start fucking each other and not humans
Aging is the continual process of realizing what an idiot you were a few years ago.
Imagine being naked in a room with people speaking different language and they all want to touch you. Thats the life of a dog
depression is like playing the same level of a game over and over but never beating it
A roller coaster camera manages to get a high quality photo of you speeding past but security cameras still only get a blurry shot of robber standing still
The bathrooms in the Star Wars universe must have to be very versatile to work for all the species.
A lot of jobs in the IT field could basically be retitled to 'Professional Googler'
Neurosurgeons are hardware engineers and Psychiatrists are software engineers of the human brain.
As a child you’re told to think outside the box but as an adult, you’re automatically crazy for thinking outside the box.