Maybe you are actually mentally handicapped but you don’t realize it because you are mentally handicapped.

Being new at a job feels like you're a new character on season 5 of a show

If it wasn't for the nipples, oversized fake boobs would look like oversized fake butt cheeks.

If we get extinct, the future civilization will be confused finding the dinosaurs fossils from museums in the same geological era as us

Vengeance is way closer to justice than forgiveness

If you drank from the glass, it’s half empty. if you fill the glass, it’s half full.

If you sit on your own voodoo doll, you'll never be able to stand up

If kid's movies stopped featuring high maintenance purebreds we'd have far less dogs in shelters

Getting older is nowhere near as scary as your parents getting older.

Countries where it's a crime to be gay probably have a department for that meaning they actually have a Gay police

When you lend the bank money, you get back 0.01%. When the bank lends you money, they get back 20%.

People are more attractive with clothes on.

For how small a bird's body is they are impressively loud.

Thanks to internet porn, straight men have seen more dicks than any gay man in history before 1980.

it took ~297,000 years for mankind to invent writing. but after the invention of writing, it took ~2000 years for mankind to go to moon

You don't take the bus, the bus takes you.

In 1000 years, historians may look at QR codes, and refer to them as hieroglyphics of an ancient civilization.

Once the Titanic disintegrates there will be theorists denying it's existence.

If you are born on January 1st, your birthday will always be 'next year'.

The experience of eating hard candy is mostly drinking your own flavoured saliva.

Validation is a hell of a drug.