It seems odd that the generation using up all the Social Security money is the same generation that complains the most about people receiving unemployment checks.

The real moral of the Tortoise and the Hare story isn’t “slow and steady win the race”, but “Don’t F***ing sleep in the middle of a race”

The toughest thing to do as an adult is to keep your screaming on the inside.

The first humans sent on a voyage to another solar system might be greeted by humans who were sent later on a faster ship

By deleting their sub, Anti work actually fulfilled their mission to stop working.

If somebody has a kink where they get gratification from being shamed, social media is the perfect place for them.

People most often find successful relationships when they begin loving themselves and stop looking for a relationship

If Frankenstein jerked himself off, technically one person is jerking off another person

If pirates actually buried treasure chests, there had to be at least one pirate trolling by burying empty chests. Or worst, they would mass-produce useless pirate maps.

The person standing in front of you is technically the person standing the furthest behind you

Given that the lips and anus are comprised of the same skin, the Golden Snitch would have revealed its message if Harry had shoved it up his butt.

You can always trust an overweight chef.

Money does not buy you happiness, but lack of money certainly buys you misery.

At special occasions girls with curly hair straighten it and girls with straight hair curl it.

We live in a world where it's accepted that children will all go through a phase of wanting to kill themselves.

Pornhub et al. probably have statistics about how long it takes you to climax when masturbating based on how much video you have watched when closing the last browser tab

No matter how far into the future sci-fi movies are set they still haven’t managed to cure male pattern baldness

all children deserve parents but not all parents deserve children

In the UK, bank transfers are free and instantaneous, so apps like CashApp and Venmo can only exist because US banks suck.

If you went to the Moon with a Guinness World Records judge, you could set a ton of new records.

People who drive the same make and model as cops do in their area probably take longer to get places because everybody slows down around them.