We're symmetrical on the outside but not on the inside

The first male ever to receive a blowjob was a hell of a salesman.

The average human has about 0.5 penises, meaning everyone who has one can claim it as ‘above average’.

There's no better way to ruin a perfectly good hobby than to turn it into a sidehustle.

Betty White would've been 100 if we skipped all February 29ths while she was alive

Betty White was older than antiboiotics, sliced bread, scotch tape, traffic lights, frozen food, bubble gum, and the ball point pen

Apple Watches probably tell people in wheelchairs to stand up.

Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s just like take whatever bag you want.

When a shitty person gets mad at you and stops talking to you it's like the garbage in your house takes itself out: wonderful.

Freedom is being able to make a choice. Power is being able to to make a choice without consequence.

A person who dies a virgin is the first failure in millions of generations of success going all the way back to the emergence of life.

Losing Betty White at the end of 2021 is way better than losing her in the beginning of 2022.

People treat new year like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucked yesterday it's probably gonna suck tomorrow.

Make sure to defecate before midnight tonight so you don't bring your shit into 2022.

It’s a good thing we don’t have to worry about the land version of the orca.

The last word of the year for many people is probably “one”.

If we were able to be cloned perfectly (to the same age, exact same personality, etc), most people would become self-aware about how annoying they can be

Each branch of the armed forces has an annual military ball, so the newest branch will have Space Balls.

The thought of elephants being scared of mice seems ridiculous, until you spot a spider at your feet.

Professional athletes are so skilled, we have to rewatch them in slow motion to see what they did

The most fun thing about Mississippi is spelling it.