Life is a balancing act of not wanting to die alone and not wanting to deal with people’s bullshit.

People checking ids only need to see that the birth date starts with 19xx to know you are of drinking age

if you have sex 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 times an integer overflow would occur and you would become a virgin again.

The real danger of peer pressure isn't that it might make you do bad things, it's that it might stop you from doing the things you love.

It’s always sunrise and sunset somewhere.

at a certain height of a rope going under it is easy rather than going over it

The Cat is by far the world champion of Tic-Tac-Toe.

Star Wars is the only instance where bringing a sword to a gunfight is a logical choice.

If you place two mirrors facing each other to make an infinite tunnel of reflections, vampires are the only people who can see all the way down the center of the tunnel.

We're symmetrical on the outside but not on the inside

The first male ever to receive a blowjob was a hell of a salesman.

The average human has about 0.5 penises, meaning everyone who has one can claim it as ‘above average’.

There's no better way to ruin a perfectly good hobby than to turn it into a sidehustle.

Betty White would've been 100 if we skipped all February 29ths while she was alive

Betty White was older than antiboiotics, sliced bread, scotch tape, traffic lights, frozen food, bubble gum, and the ball point pen

Apple Watches probably tell people in wheelchairs to stand up.

Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s just like take whatever bag you want.

When a shitty person gets mad at you and stops talking to you it's like the garbage in your house takes itself out: wonderful.

Freedom is being able to make a choice. Power is being able to to make a choice without consequence.

A person who dies a virgin is the first failure in millions of generations of success going all the way back to the emergence of life.

Losing Betty White at the end of 2021 is way better than losing her in the beginning of 2022.