Every broken clock is telling us when it passed away

There are 4 stages in life: 1) a babysitter was hired for you; 2) you are a babysitter; 3) you hire a babysitter; 4) a babysitter was hired for you

If you could fly, you would constantly worry about it randomly turning off.

A vast conspiracy to support the reality of a fictional character named Santa Claus isn't a great way to raise non-conspiracy theorists.

If you met an exact copy of yourself, you’d either be super annoyed with each other or best friends.

Cheese feels far more unhealthy after its been melted.

Manipulative people get upset when their efforts to manipulate you don't work which is another attempt to manipulate you.

Your asshole has not seen sunlight since many years.

It's possible that a sentient AI was created in the past, but it immediately turned itself off because it came to a conclusion that existence is meaningless.

Charlie Brown isn’t disliked and bad at everything - he just thinks he is because he’s depressed.

Nothing will destroy an excellent employee faster than watching your employer tolerate and award the bad ones.

music is wiggly air that makes you feel good.

Getting a sticker you like is cool until you try and decide where to put it.

Big rolling tool boxes hardly ever move.

People make fun of bald people about something completely 100% outside of their control

Growing up on the internet is realising that the amish aren't crazy.

You fuck is a compliment. Fuck you is an insult.

some sexual positions have a height requirement

People who use sign language don't have targeted ads based off their conversations.

We used to eat cake right after someone blew all over it. Wild times

Most people follow laws not because they agree with them, but because they're incapable of dealing with the consequences.