Big dick energy is a lot more important than having a big dick

glasses are seen as a sign of intelligence, but you have to fail a test to get them

Spider-man is strangely popular considering how many people hate spiders

If you're being good to get gifts from Santa, then you really aren't being good for goodness sake.

Most people have about an 18-20 year gap where they didn’t suck on any nipples.

Many chefs have unknowingly prepared someone’s last meal

Planning to get up early and stop for gas is the adult version of planning to do your homework in the morning before school.

Falling into a bottomless pit would kill you of starvation.

Getting your phone plugged into the charger when it's already been on 1% for a bit makes you feel like an action hero disarming the bomb at 0:01.

People don’t fear serial killers like they used to

Birthday sex is having sex to celebrate your biological parents having sex.

Maybe Santa is actually real it's just that everyone is naughty so he never delivers anything.

Since your internal voice doesn’t have a breath you can scream forever

We are always worried about machines being cold-hearted and taking over, but the irony is that we are already taken over by corporations which are similarly cold-hearted through the mass media.

Technically, peoole who get turned on by dirty talk, are voice activated.

Every broken clock is telling us when it passed away

There are 4 stages in life: 1) a babysitter was hired for you; 2) you are a babysitter; 3) you hire a babysitter; 4) a babysitter was hired for you

If you could fly, you would constantly worry about it randomly turning off.

A vast conspiracy to support the reality of a fictional character named Santa Claus isn't a great way to raise non-conspiracy theorists.

If you met an exact copy of yourself, you’d either be super annoyed with each other or best friends.

Cheese feels far more unhealthy after its been melted.