Anything that flies is a UFO if you're dumb enough.

Using a wooden dildo is cross-species necrophilia

Someone around the world is begging to have the life you’re living.

Carrying pizza in public always looks like you’re showing off.

If you switch to to the other side of the street to avoid bumping into someone you don't want to talk to, you're the chicken who crossed the road

People enjoy watching other people having sex, but don't really like watching people do anything else intimate...there's no cuddlehub or makeouthub.

Humans drink milk that is intended to grow a baby cow into an animal that weighs 1500 pounds

Given there are 7.8 billion people on earth roughly, the chances of you having an original thought is extremely slim.

If you pick up a rock and throw it into the ocean, you might be the last person to ever touch that rock

Santa Clause is pretty evil the way he gives the rich kids more and better presents than the poor kids.

People who take a shit in full view of general public are not giving a shit and giving a shit simultaneously.

The E and Y in the word ‘envy’ are silent

in a perfect world, lawyers wouldnt exist

A pet rock is a great pet, until you realized its essentially immortal, and you have damned it to an eternity of watching loved ones die.

If animals could talk, bestiality rates would probably increase.

When we start colonizing other planets, one planet will likely be discriminated against by the other planets.

The truest genius in MENSA is the one who convinced people to pay a recurring fee to be labeled a genius.

Silence is golden. Until you have kids, then silence is terrifying

Your thirties is your twenties with money.

Instead of colorizing old photos, in the future we’ll be removing dumb filters

Once we achieve colonization of other planets, we will have many 'World Records'.