Christmas is more of a deadline than a holiday.

Every man has way more experience giving handjobs than any woman

Paper actually has six sides, but you don’t realize in till you start stacking it.

If a teacher goes to work high, that makes them a high school teacher regardless of the grade level they teach.

The voice in our head is more fluent in English than when we speak it

The internet was meant to bring people closer together, but it's done exactly the opposite.

Every year the birthday of earth goes past without celebration

Dragons would think it's cool that we produce water in our mouth

If you see Gordon Ramsay in the same restaurant as you, you either have great taste or horrible taste.

There’s nothing more annoying than having to sit through an ad for a service you already pay for.

The A Hole and the B Hole are the same thing

The homeless guy who burned down the fox newd Christmas tree earned himself 3 meals a day and a place to stay. Smart thinking on his part

A Ouija board is for ages 8 and up. So the drinking age is 21 but you only have to be 8 to summon the devil.

If the Earth is flat, maybe the dinosaurs live on the other side and we keep digging up their dead and buried.

As a child, it seemed like parents had eyes on the back of their heads. As adults, it’s clear that little kids are extremely predictable

Most of the trash you see on the ground is unhealthy food packaging because people who don’t care about their own health don’t care about the Earth’s either.

Part of growing up is realizing that most love songs are painfully naive.

As a kid, you are bullied by people who don't like you, and your friends are nice. Once you're older, you're bullied by your friends and people who don't like you are nice

The banana is no longer the food item that looks most phone-like. The pop tart is.

Vampires sure do dress well for creatures that can’t see themselves in a mirror

If everyone drove through green lights like they were yellow a lot more people would get through the lights.