We have no idea if we’re closer to the day we were born or to the day we’ll die.

If eating humans was normal, we would probably eat the fingers like we do chicken wings

When a job is advertised as paying between $12 - $15 an hour, it pays $12

It's gonna be hard explaining Santa to kids if the Arctic ice melts

Schools really declare themselves drug-free zones like that’s how stopping crime works.

Vikings were pirates before pirates were cool

School is about making you a domesticated member of society

Rice and maggots look too similar for comfort.

Having multiple children is a testiment to how horny you are. Nothing kills a sex drive like children.

In the future, pooping manually and wiping with paper will be seen as barbaric.

Quentin Tarantino's reservoir dogs is the movie among us is based on, all characters are named by color and they are trying to figure out who the imposter in the group is.

If someone has a closet with pictures of a celebrity, it’s acceptable, but if the photos are of a non-celebrity, they’re a creep

Too many people in a small space is uncomfortable unless you are having an orgy.

If saliva was a different colour we probably wouldn't drink from other people's glasses

Since kids dream of being adults, and adults dream of being kids, there was probably a moment in your life when you were perfectly happy with your age

When you watch a YouTuber’s video until the end, they’ve done a good job. With porn stars is the opposite.

You know the porn you're watching is awful af when you regret watching it before you even nut

It’s so rewarding when a car speeds up to get around you and then you both end up stopped at the same red light

A person driving 10 under the speed limit is more infuriating than a person driving 10 over

Shorter people smell their own farts sooner

If ghosts are real, some might have watched you masturbate.