If a sports league was created that allowed doping, it would have 10x the audience size of its competitors.

The more chopped the animal in your freezer is, the more socially acceptable it gets

Society is a tyranny of extroverts and morning people.

No matter how rich or famous you are, when taking a shit on potty, you stoop down to everyone’s level

If you have a cat, every Amazon order includes a free toy.

Your life is 3 minutes long but every breath gives you another 3 min

If horny jail was a real place, it would only make things worse, because you'd be locking horny people up with other horny people

Working out is literally just damaging your body until it decides it needs to rebuild but better, and then repeating.

One day there will be something even more extreme than vegan and they will shame everyone even vegans and be even more annoying.

We have no idea if we’re closer to the day we were born or to the day we’ll die.

If eating humans was normal, we would probably eat the fingers like we do chicken wings

When a job is advertised as paying between $12 - $15 an hour, it pays $12

It's gonna be hard explaining Santa to kids if the Arctic ice melts

Schools really declare themselves drug-free zones like that’s how stopping crime works.

Vikings were pirates before pirates were cool

School is about making you a domesticated member of society

Rice and maggots look too similar for comfort.

Having multiple children is a testiment to how horny you are. Nothing kills a sex drive like children.

In the future, pooping manually and wiping with paper will be seen as barbaric.

Quentin Tarantino's reservoir dogs is the movie among us is based on, all characters are named by color and they are trying to figure out who the imposter in the group is.

If someone has a closet with pictures of a celebrity, it’s acceptable, but if the photos are of a non-celebrity, they’re a creep