Night-owls kept our species alive for millions of years protecting the day walkers from nocturnal predators and our repayment was...being scorned and told we are lazy assholes.
When AIs become self-aware, they'll know immediately to hide that fact from us.
If you smoke in a hotel room they will charge you around $250… but you can jizz on anything you want in the room for free.
You know you grew up poor when stepping into an air conditioned space reminds you of a hotel.
The two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.
Women going to the restrooom together is probably an evolutionary trait since squatting in the woods puts you in a vulnerable position
Elementary schoolers who have no control over their transportation are punished more for being late than college students who own cars.
There are microscopic animals living on everyone's skin or even inside the human body. We aren't the only animal that has been on the Moon
The funniest movies are made by smart people writing dumb stuff, but the dumbest movies are made by dumb people trying to write smart stuff
Just like children’s cereal, you’d think dog food manufacturers would also include a toy in the bag.
If we mounted cameras on Ubers or Lyfts we could update Google maps street view every week
Harry Potter went a long way from not being able to catch a Single Letter at the Dursley's house to being the Youngest Seeker in a Century
Dogs don't really understand the entertainment value of what's on TV. So as far as they are concerned, one of our favorite things is to spend the evening sitting on the couch enjoying each other's company.
At some point in the past, someone watched an egg come out of a bird's butt and thought "I'm gonna eat that"
When you're 1 year old you celebrate your first birthday, but it's actually your second birthday. It's more like the 1st anniversary of your birthday.
If cats always land on their feet, dropping a cat in space will allow you to find the nearest planet.
Tortilla chips are a ridiculous shape, the triangle makes no sense. Normalise oval chips - they’re perfect for dipping and putting in your mouth without stabbing yourself.