When thinking of ghosts in their house, everyone thinks of haunted murder victims, but no one thinks about their deceased pet just chilling with them on the couch
Music is proof you can resonate with millions without anyone actually knowing what you are saying
We spend the first half of our life worrying about the other half and then spend the second half regretting how we spent the first half.
Having people who won't listen to you around is lonelier than having no one
One of the most awkward and unnatural feeling things to be is a passenger in your own car
The online version of standing in a room trying to figure out why you went there is opening up Google and trying to remember what you were going to search for
Parents constantly lie to their children to get them to behave and then are surprised and annoyed when the children grow up lying back to them
If it weren't for oven clocks we would notice power outages when we leave our homes much less
Night-owls kept our species alive for millions of years protecting the day walkers from nocturnal predators and our repayment was...being scorned and told we are lazy assholes.
When AIs become self-aware, they'll know immediately to hide that fact from us.
If you smoke in a hotel room they will charge you around $250… but you can jizz on anything you want in the room for free.
You know you grew up poor when stepping into an air conditioned space reminds you of a hotel.
The two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.
Women going to the restrooom together is probably an evolutionary trait since squatting in the woods puts you in a vulnerable position
Elementary schoolers who have no control over their transportation are punished more for being late than college students who own cars.
There are microscopic animals living on everyone's skin or even inside the human body. We aren't the only animal that has been on the Moon
The funniest movies are made by smart people writing dumb stuff, but the dumbest movies are made by dumb people trying to write smart stuff
Just like children’s cereal, you’d think dog food manufacturers would also include a toy in the bag.
If we mounted cameras on Ubers or Lyfts we could update Google maps street view every week