Scented deodorant is actually reodorant.

Truth or dare is way more nerve-wracking at 35 than it was at 15.

We all live on an island if you zoom out enough

You could be dead already, and your brain is showing a replay of your entire life

You're basically forcing your pet to be your friend

The cruelest thing about the universe is a dog’s lifespan

You can carry any bag of shit as long as you’re near a dog

Weatherman and Politician are the only two jobs you can constantly screw up at and still keep your job.

Corn dogs are conspicuously missing from fast food chain restaurants unlike their cousins the hot dog and hamburger

Statistically speaking, a lot of you suck

Slip on shoes serve their purpose for only the first 5 and last five seconds of wearing them

Most spies probably aren't attractive since they would attract to much attention if they were

Waiting for an excuse to leave is usually the last excuse to stay.

Even in the comic universe, Batman would rather punish those who commit crimes rather than help develop a system where crime is not necessary.

The Chrome Dinosaur game is the only game that lags when you're wifi gets better.

Those in power only care about your health if they can't tax it. Just look at cigarettes.

The person who makes the coffin doesn't want it. The person who buys it doesn't need it. The person who needs it, doesn't know they're using it.

If you can touch your door while on the loo, you're probably not rich

A delivery company's ONLY job is to deliver your stuff, yet somehow they're one of the only businesses who can use "Woops, sorry, we lost it" as a commonly accepted excuse.

Doing nothing all day seems nice until you’ve actually done nothing all day and then wish you had.

If there's plenty of fish in the sea, dumping a girl with fake boobs is pollution.