Telekinesis would make eating buffalo wings amazing.

The latest version of elementary school science books will get to have real pictures of Mars

Childless people are the ends of millions of years of evolution.

Nothing will destroy an excellent employee faster than watching your employer tolerate and reward the bad ones.

Technically death is a pain reliever.

Every picture of a sky with clouds you take is unique. That sky image won’t happen never ever again.

If you saw the movie jaw backwards, it's a heartwarming story about a shark, which gives arms and legs to people who are disabled.

Scented deodorant is actually reodorant.

Truth or dare is way more nerve-wracking at 35 than it was at 15.

We all live on an island if you zoom out enough

You could be dead already, and your brain is showing a replay of your entire life

You're basically forcing your pet to be your friend

The cruelest thing about the universe is a dog’s lifespan

You can carry any bag of shit as long as you’re near a dog

Weatherman and Politician are the only two jobs you can constantly screw up at and still keep your job.

Corn dogs are conspicuously missing from fast food chain restaurants unlike their cousins the hot dog and hamburger

Statistically speaking, a lot of you suck

Slip on shoes serve their purpose for only the first 5 and last five seconds of wearing them

Most spies probably aren't attractive since they would attract to much attention if they were

Waiting for an excuse to leave is usually the last excuse to stay.

Even in the comic universe, Batman would rather punish those who commit crimes rather than help develop a system where crime is not necessary.