Parenting is a constant state of flux between ‘having all the kids clothes washed and put away’ and ‘having enough coat hangers and drawer space’.
There are tons of innocent people who take a plea deal to go to jail just because their lawyers told them to thinking they would lose the case.
Falling asleep is the only human function you have to pretend to do in order for it to actually happens.
If mermaids were real, they'd likely be fat and full of blubber due to the oceans temperature
It's amusing how people believe we have a moral duty to castrate cats and dogs, but freak out if you suggest doing the same to humans. Humans have done far more damage to earth over just a few years than cats and dogs have over millions of years.
The Big Bang might’ve been a gender reveal for other beings beyond the cosmos as we know it
Seeing as how humans have acquired the evolutionary response to have the penis withdraw into the body during extreme cold suggests: Somewhere in our genetic lineage, someone literally froze their dick off.
Buzzfeed articles all seem as if they are were slapped together by someone who forgot a deadline while procrastinating on another deadline.
If Mars ever does get colonized it will eventually have its own accent
We have a bunch Wi-Fi connected smart appliances but no one makes a microwave that can send you a text when it's done instead of beeping like an asshole.
"Don't judge a book by it's cover" is offensive to people who's job it is to design book covers
Future generations are going to dumbfounded that we used up most of our limited supply of helium (a very useful element) filling up colorful rubber bags and letting them float away
As you get older, peer pressure turns from more serious issues into seeing your neighbours putting up their Christmas Lights and mowing their lawns
The moral of the Tortoise and the Hare is not “slow and steady wins the race”. It’s “don’t blow your lead by showboating”.
The biggest irony of catcalling is that women would wear less if men didn’t do it
Onions are the bass players of your meals: You don't notice when they're present, you notice immediately when they're absent.
Human intelligence seems almost completely without limit. In both directions.