If the staff at McDonald's all wore black armbands when the ice cream machine was broken, it would save a lot of unnecessary explaining.
The reason people hate cats and love dogs is because dogs were our first lesson in love, but cats were our first lesson in consent. Cats will mess you up if they don’t want to be touched. You can’t force them to want to be petted until they are ready and agree to it.
Since -é is the French male ending and -ée is the female one, we may conclude that Beyoncé is actually a French dude.
The reason advertisers for things like Redbull and Skittles can make their adds so weird is that they don't have to sell you the product, they just have to remind you that it exists.
Someone, throughout the history of mankind, has probably drowned in the same water you just drank.
Infertility is hereditary, in that if your parents didn't have kids, you won't either.
Listening to the news is the most efficient way to provoke yourself into unwarranted anger.
If Sally sold shells somewhere else she would have made a greater profit.
If someone actually made a dick enhancement drug no one would believe it because of all the scams before it
The hardest part about going for a haircut is deciding which t-shirt will become the itchy t-shirt
Parenting is a constant state of flux between ‘having all the kids clothes washed and put away’ and ‘having enough coat hangers and drawer space’.
There are tons of innocent people who take a plea deal to go to jail just because their lawyers told them to thinking they would lose the case.
Falling asleep is the only human function you have to pretend to do in order for it to actually happens.
If mermaids were real, they'd likely be fat and full of blubber due to the oceans temperature