If IRS agents were paid on commission, poor people wouldn’t get audited any more. Instead, we’d find out how much money is REALLY hidden in offshore accounts
Pants are more suitable for a female body and skirts are more suitable for a man’s body.
Listening to someone who has never done your job and probably couldn’t do your job talk about how you could do your job better is a special, previously unexplored, layer of hell.
If Superman doesn’t need to breathe, only solar radiation. Isn’t he a plant and DC’s version of Groot
The issue isn't that companies need to make money, it's that they keep greedily grasping for every cent possible. We don't hate companies making money, we hate them damning their products in pursuit of it.
When a painting is next level it is compared to a photo and when a photo is next level it is compared to a painting.
If the Kansas City Chiefs renamed themselves to the Kansas City Archeologists then they could still play at Arrowhead Stadium.
The entire plot of breaking bad could have been avoided if Walter had life insurance.
A man on his patio with binoculars is a pervert. A man on his patio with binoculars and a book about birds is enjoying a fine hobby.
'Sleep like a baby' is a weird expression because babies wake up a lot
Media has desensitized us to human skulls so much that if we saw a real one on the ground, we probably wouldn’t even consider it being real.
If one person tailgates you, they’re a douchebag. If there’s a whole line of cars tailgating you, you’re probably the douchebag
As a parent, the day your child starts remembering more than 5 minutes ago, it's all over.