The most hopeful and optimistic thing a person can do is move a cell phone 5 inches closer to the sky in hopes of catching a signal

A gynecologist is a private investigator.

If you curse in morse code, it can't be censored because it's already a bunch of beeps

Ironically, the more choices a person is given, the more stressful decision making becomes.

You officially become an adult when you realize that the smallest size at an ice cream shop is more than enough.

The spine helps with human cable management.

Schools will put hundreds of children in a cafeteria and get mad at them for being loud

The saying “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” is true because it’s likely that no one will pay you for it.

“A Well Oiled Machine” is much more a statement about the importance of maintenance than about marvelous design.

A microphone on Mars is great, but if, for a fee, Nasa made it possible for people to blast their favorite beat on the planet, via a loudspeaker , it could pay for the entire mission.

It's really strange to realize that within a span of 20 years, the world went from relatively offline to constantly connected online.

If you don’t think before you talk, you’re just thinking out loud

Telling someone they have been distracted is a great way to distract them

"You're not smart" cuts deeper than "you're dumb"

if everyone was allergic to nuts there wouldn't be nut allergy. We would've just said 'nuts are poisonous.'

Nothing discourages a self-respecting person's generosity more than a selfish person's greed.

Saying “Liar liar, pants on fire” to someone who has lied makes you a liar as well since the other persons pants are, most likely, not actually on fire.

When teachers let us bring a "cheat sheet" into an exam, we eagerly reviewed the notes to fill up the sheet as much as possible. They were just tricking us into studying.

Cinderella must have had some fucked up feet if her glass slipper didn't fit ANY other girl in the kingdom

When all cars are eventually electric, step on the gas will sound the same to kids as hang up the phone.

After watching the Wizard of Oz and Willy Wonka, there are a statistically abnormal amount of little people with songs already prepared for when someone dies