Somewhere out there is a fortune cookie with the winning numbers to the lottery and it was thrown away

Calling yourself narcissistic is actually somewhat humble, yet calling yourself humble is somewhat narcissistic

Since you won’t remember every piece of useful information, knowing where to find them is more important than remembering what they are.

Ever seen an old porno mag and wonder how the hell our grandfather’s generation got off on that? That’s how our grandkids will think of our 480p hentai

Darth Vader choked so many of his subordinates, that at least one of them probably liked it.

If you ever feel dumb just remember there are people who truly believe in their astrological signs.

Wearing socks around the house or being barefoot is fine, but having a sock with a hole in is a pain.

Estate sales in 40 years are gonna have the most baller nerd shit

A generator generates, a rotator rotates, and a alternator alternates but a scissor cuts not scissates.

If humans didn’t have a sense of smell, people would care less about hygiene.

It feels better trying to warm yourself with a blanket in a cold room than being in a warm room.

Humans must have been amazed when they finally saw the first photos of earth taken from a satellite and realised how accurately their maps had been made

No matter how old you are, Tom and Jerry will always bring back childhood memories.

If you’re relying on grammar mistakes to discredit your opponent’s argument then you don’t really have an argument yourself.

Kids in highschool search for their soulmate like they won’t be a completely different person in 15 years

Liking chocolate has become more basic than liking vanilla.

If you are 30 years old, you have celebrated one month of birthday.

The fact that we don’t allow kids to have coffee but it’s so celebrated in adults suggests we probably have something wrong about our sleep/life/work balance.

Google could be the worlds best matchmaking site if they used the algorithm to pair up people.

"It's what it's" Is a perfectly valid and grammatically correct sentence

The Power Rangers' highschool didn't do emergency head counts, otherwise they'd realize the same five kids were always missing in a disaster.