If you sold cocaine, you’d know that 36 grams is too much sugar to be putting in soft drinks.

"I don't have cable TV" went from sounding poor to practical within ten years

People who have worked in retail or restaurant jobs are probably more skilled in deescalation than many police officers

Confidence is doing a cross word puzzle with a pen.

Flavored Seltzer water tastes like TV static mixed with someone yelling you the flavor from another room

Given the number of droids in Star Wars one of them has to be named WD-40.

You know a porn video is good when you still find it attractive after ejaculating.

"Eat shit and die" is either a very strong insult or a synopsis of life, depending on the commas

If everyone was nude, there would probably be pubic hair fashion.

News channels start by saying “Good Morning”, then proceed to tell us why it isn’t.

It’s super creepy that you spent 1/3 of your life willingly unconscious in a dark room.

If rat poison can be used to kill people, it's just poison

If you get one leg cut off, your BMI goes way down, but if you get the other one cut off, your BMI goes way back up.

The Z and the Y in crazy can be swapped and still sound the same

If you had telekinesis you could jerk off your friends until they came and they'd have no idea what was happening.

Hundreds of spiders die in house fires

The number of people older than you is always shrinking, while the number of people younger than you only ever grows.

Old stories of people coming back from the dead could just be ancient civilizations not understanding what a coma was

There could be a moment in history when entire mankind blinked together, but no one noticed as everyone had their eyes closed.

If there was a medication that could 100% remove stupidity with zero negative side-effects, stupid people would refuse to take it.

Worst part about being a kid was knowing that adults were laughing at you but not understanding why