You do not know how bumpy a road is until you hold drinks in the car while driving there

cats wake their owners up at night to see if they're still alive and are bummed out 'cause they can't eat them yet.

Sex is literally shoving organs together until you’re tired

Someone has the fastest cat in the world and doesn't know it

Trying to find a girl named Molly at a rave must be nerve wracking.

Life is a dick, it gets hard at random moments.

A belt is the only piece of clothing where it is perfectly acceptable to go outside without wearing one, but still makes you look like a pervert if you take it off once you’re in public

A pig only has to meow once for you to question every oink

Alexa commercials all start with, “Alexa,” and Alexa devices listen for the commercials to gauge customer reach.

Chess is the original escort mission, because you have to work really hard to protect the king, who can do practically nothing on his own.

The butt is the shoulders of the legs.

Mute people don't have accents, they have fonts.

If your house has a mail slot, you’re living inside a mailbox.

It’d be cool if there were laws that had a minimum age of 50 so people in their 30s and 40s have something extra to look forward to

School doesn’t prepare you for life it prepares you for more school

the villains side of the story is far more interesting than the heroes side

Mosquitoes sure are brave for creatures with only 1 hp

Fruits have bellybuttons where they were plucked.

Foods that are supposed to be hard (i.e. crunchy/crispy) turn soft when stale. Foods that are supposed to be soft turn hard when stale.

If you have an inside joke, there's probably someone you never met, that has the same joke and you don't know it.

Falling in love in a dream is such a crushing feeling after