We can get thousands of idiots to pee on their phones if somebody created a pregnancy test app.

When you sit down at a movie theater you're basically sitting on a silent woopy cushion holding decades of farts.

Christmas colours must be really boring if you're red/green colourblind.

Every day, people who drive garbage trucks probably throw away something suspicious like evidence for a crime or body parts and they won’t and probably never will know they did it.

the last trash bag and the box it came in likely switch places

You do not know how bumpy a road is until you hold drinks in the car while driving there

cats wake their owners up at night to see if they're still alive and are bummed out 'cause they can't eat them yet.

Sex is literally shoving organs together until you’re tired

Someone has the fastest cat in the world and doesn't know it

Trying to find a girl named Molly at a rave must be nerve wracking.

Life is a dick, it gets hard at random moments.

A belt is the only piece of clothing where it is perfectly acceptable to go outside without wearing one, but still makes you look like a pervert if you take it off once you’re in public

A pig only has to meow once for you to question every oink

Alexa commercials all start with, “Alexa,” and Alexa devices listen for the commercials to gauge customer reach.

Chess is the original escort mission, because you have to work really hard to protect the king, who can do practically nothing on his own.

The butt is the shoulders of the legs.

Mute people don't have accents, they have fonts.

If your house has a mail slot, you’re living inside a mailbox.

It’d be cool if there were laws that had a minimum age of 50 so people in their 30s and 40s have something extra to look forward to

School doesn’t prepare you for life it prepares you for more school

the villains side of the story is far more interesting than the heroes side