People keep saying how crazy it is that Bloomberg spent $500+ million on his campaign, but that money is much better off flowing through the economy than it is sitting in his bank account
The quickest way to sober up during a night out is to pat your pockets and not feel your phone
If you ask someone if they smoke, and they respond with “cigarettes?,” they’ve just answered two questions.
In the future, we will be sad that every picture we have is properly staged and filtered. There is something beautiful about photos pre Instagram, with a one sibling staring off into space, and the parents not having a perfect smile. Perfection is boring.
Bob Ross could be a serial killer and his paintings are the locations he buried the victims and he refers to them as “happy little accidents”
“Building a building.” must be such a confusing sentence to new English learners.
Octopuses are sea ninjas: they have incredible camouflage and when they are found they use smoke bombs to vanish.
It's surprising how unimportant everything else seems to be when your really have to shit.
Teaching dogs to salivate at the sound of bells then tying bells around cats' necks was kind of a dick move
People think that the world keeps getting more and more screwed up, but in reality it was probably just as fucked up as before, we’re just more aware of current events thanks to the internet.
Taking a dog from its owner is a crime, but taking a dog from its parents is normal and accepted.
We need a mandatory news show that debunks all the lies of the day more than we need actual news
Realizing how many of our friends are stuck in a shitty marriage and having kids they didn’t want makes it such a blessing to be single at 31.
Technically there is no real present, everything that is happening around you already happened but your brain just took time to process it so it's already happened in the past
If men were the ones that lactated and breastfed they would brag amongst themselves over how much milk they produced.