Procrastination is just the act of putting off a task until you have enough anxiety about not getting it done in time that there is an immediate internal reward for starting to do it, namely the easing of the mental anxiety. You’re just waiting for a reward.
Rappers say to put your hands in the air but your hands are always in the air.
Going to sleep consists of pretending to be asleep until you stop pretending
Once lab-grown meat is commonplace, it's only a matter of time before someone offers you the chance to grow and eat a steak of yourself.
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand 100 grand or you will get your kid back
You are expected to excuse yourself or apologise when you allow a little bit of gas to escape your body, but the second you sneeze and release hundreds of thousands of germs out into the air everyone starts blessing you.
There are about 3.8 billion men on earth, and the average weight of a penis is 100g. There is 837756596 pounds of dick on Earth.
If you break the law you go to jail, but if you break the laws of physics you get a Nobel prize.
Some people may think they won an internet argument, never to know their adversary died before having a chance to respond.
Kids can’t wait to grow up and Adults wish to become young again. College students however don’t want either and wish to cease being.
If you take a nude picture of yourself 1 minute before you turn 18, in a minute you will be an adult in possession of underage pornographic content.
Plants are farming us. They give us oxygen and then they consume us when we decompose.
If banks made 6 billion dollars from overdraft fees last year, then banks made 6 billion off of people who don't have money.
Somebody in the 1800s saw a glass bottle and thought, “You know what would go great in there? An entire fucking ship.”
If auto-correct were to prank people with incorrect spellings on April 1st, most people wouldn't even know the difference.